Seen at a Gate (was House Poor) - edit4
#6
edit2;

I passed an old man chipping at a fence
of iron, slowly scaling off its rust,
and wondered what had brought this ancient thence–
could he be destitute, so poor he must
take menial jobs to earn his keep today?
Or was he house-poor, working on his own
last residence because he couldn’t pay
a younger man to help, so scraped alone?
That place was grand:  no cheaper home, like mine,
has fences so demanding or so fine.



Thanks for the good critique.  I've tried to fix some of the problems you mentioned in this edit, though not all of them and (as usual) not in quite the ways suggested.  Plus a tiny punctuation change.

As to presumption, I do specify that I'm wondering, i.e. speculating.  That's my story, anyway  Wink

(01-17-2020, 12:59 AM)Knot Wrote:  .
Hi duke,
lots to like, though I too miss 'boasts'.
Is there anything better than 'nice/posh'.

Not keen on the title, seems a bit too restrictive.

I passed an old man chipping at a fence

of iron, slowly scaling off its rust,
- why 'its' rather than 'the'? Just curious.
and wondered what had brought this codger thence–
- not sure about 'codger', has its origins in beggar
so rather preempts 'destitute'. Maybe fellow/elder?
could he be destitute, so poor he must
- 'might' for 'could'?
(might he be destitute, and so must needs ... ?)
perform odd jobs to earn his bread today?
- 'today' seems to be filler - just there for the rhyme..
(perform odd jobs to supplement his crust ?)
Or was he house-poor, working on his own
last residence because he couldn’t pay
- 'last' seems a bit presumptuous. How do you know? Smile
a younger man to help, so scraped alone?
- I think you've got space to fit in a further speculation:
that he was doing it for love, pleasure or pride (or because
his partner has been nagging him Smile )
That place was nice; no cheaper home, like mine,
has fences so demanding or so fine.


Best, Knot


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Messages In This Thread
RE: House Poor - by Joshua Smith - 01-15-2020, 01:46 AM
RE: House Poor - by dukealien - 01-16-2020, 09:08 AM
RE: House Poor - by Joshua Smith - 01-16-2020, 09:36 AM
RE: House Poor - edit - by Knot - 01-17-2020, 12:59 AM
RE: House Poor - edit2 - by dukealien - 01-21-2020, 12:07 AM
RE: House Poor - edit2 - by Knot - 01-21-2020, 01:32 AM
RE: House Poor - edit2 - by dukealien - 01-23-2020, 12:31 AM
RE: House Poor - edit3 - by Mark A Becker - 01-24-2020, 02:56 AM
RE: House Poor - edit3 - by dukealien - 01-28-2020, 06:09 AM



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