01-07-2020, 08:44 PM
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Hi Alex.
Also not sure if you're looking for a critique, but if you are ...
This is vastly overwritten - One of the key elements of a short story is 'story', and you've a thousand words here and no hint as to what that story might be (you travel from dawn to noontide in the first three paragraphs, but the narrative hasn't moved an inch).
If there is a story here it's crushed beneath the weight of extraneous detail. 'unnamed prophet from ages ago, known as the Kalvyr' seems particularly irrelevant.
There is an inconsistency of detail, wayward grammar (taken by distress), misused words (that is not what 'inferred' means) and it reads like a data dump in a bad fantasy novel. You could, most likely, reduce it all to
Seven year old Ell woke up alone in the forest.
Best, Knot
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Hi Alex.
Also not sure if you're looking for a critique, but if you are ...
This is vastly overwritten - One of the key elements of a short story is 'story', and you've a thousand words here and no hint as to what that story might be (you travel from dawn to noontide in the first three paragraphs, but the narrative hasn't moved an inch).
If there is a story here it's crushed beneath the weight of extraneous detail. 'unnamed prophet from ages ago, known as the Kalvyr' seems particularly irrelevant.
There is an inconsistency of detail, wayward grammar (taken by distress), misused words (that is not what 'inferred' means) and it reads like a data dump in a bad fantasy novel. You could, most likely, reduce it all to
Seven year old Ell woke up alone in the forest.
Best, Knot
.