01-07-2020, 06:45 AM
This is very rich in images and sets the viewpoint character's mood and state of mind very effectively.
Although it's Miscellaneous, I do have two comments that could be considered critical, so take them no more seriously than appropriate.
First, there's good mood-setting here, but also a tremendous amount of information. I'm old and easily distracted, but I think better readers would also have some trouble keeping track of the characters, attributes, places, and tribes. There's enough information here to take up three chapters (not necessarily the first three) of a fantasy novel, which would probably be organized around events rather than the viewpoint's internal stream of consciousness. All I'm saying is, it's challenging.
Second, and pardon my grammar hobgoblin, but a few things you may want to look into as you edit:
"he laid there for a minute" (past tense of "lie" is "lay")
"with the texture of a hardtack" ("hardtack" is an adjective - he broke open a hardtack biscuit - or commodity - they feasted on hardtack and bacon, not "a bacon," either)
"Moonlight breaks past the shadowed" (this is present tense, the rest of the story is past tense)
This has promise of an interesting story.
Although it's Miscellaneous, I do have two comments that could be considered critical, so take them no more seriously than appropriate.
First, there's good mood-setting here, but also a tremendous amount of information. I'm old and easily distracted, but I think better readers would also have some trouble keeping track of the characters, attributes, places, and tribes. There's enough information here to take up three chapters (not necessarily the first three) of a fantasy novel, which would probably be organized around events rather than the viewpoint's internal stream of consciousness. All I'm saying is, it's challenging.
Second, and pardon my grammar hobgoblin, but a few things you may want to look into as you edit:
"he laid there for a minute" (past tense of "lie" is "lay")
"with the texture of a hardtack" ("hardtack" is an adjective - he broke open a hardtack biscuit - or commodity - they feasted on hardtack and bacon, not "a bacon," either)
"Moonlight breaks past the shadowed" (this is present tense, the rest of the story is past tense)
This has promise of an interesting story.
Non-practicing atheist