The last note

[billy]

hi waterpig. some feedback for you.

first off you have some pretty bland lines and some image rich lines. it's usually the latter that's best aiming for.

Thank you for the encouragement and suggestion. Here’s version 2 after some reading and editing.

Spilled ink from my veins languished in bed. i think it needs a semi-colon after veins but the main thing it's a pretty strong image. metaphor's like this work better than telling us facts without any depth.

You left me the key to your empty room,
Within which my heart lay, a rune, these two lines tell us something but fail to show us.

here's an example but i'm sure you can do better than me;

You left the key to your empty room,
in a fractured glass-heart,

try and use words other heart, beauty etc. they're overused and over rated.
heeding my own words you could say;

on a fractured glass alter.

give images, way out images can often work better than run of the mill ones. use words that lend some power to what you write. don't make it boring.

good effort and great to see you editing. editing and reading and listening will make you; all of us better poets.


You left me the key to your empty room,
Within which my heart lay, a rune,
Suffering the silence of verses unread,
Spilled ink from my veins languished in bed.
I shook off the dust and lit pages on fire
Take back your key and absent inquire!
Ash you’ll step into upon your return,
Proof I was there before we adjourned.