Short Story: Journey

[billy]

not upset Dane. a little weary maybe i'll leave this thread open and hope now you know you'll do a bit of feedback.

all my actions cannot stop you posting a poem without giving feedback elsewhere?/ mod
please be fair

I am sorry about upsetting you.   I was just in a lot of pain and wanted to post this.  I did not get the rules until after I posted this and saw your response.

feedback for dane;

first off dane, if you use a refrain the lead up to it needs to be really strong, here it's almost refrain on refrain. secondly you need to use some poetic devices such as alliteration, simile, metaphor, consonance etc. if you wish to show pain through text one often needs strong imagery

All my actions cannot stop
the journey you will make

All my words cannot stop
the journey you will make

All my thoughts cannot stop
the journey you will make

All my feelings cannot stop
the journey you will make

So all I have is love for you in
the journey you will make