12-05-2019, 12:39 AM
An intriguing work. General critique at the end, comments (in mild critique) interlinear:
Two general observations/suggestions:
(1) Watch out for inversions (example, "toward the gate he ran"). They're more of a problem in rhymed and metric verse because a lazy author will fall back on them instead of choosing words that fit both the form and normal sentence structure. In your case, with free verse, you use some inversions that are deep enough to confuse the reader (in the last verse, particularly). Inversions are not *wrong*, but worth working to reduce in many cases.
(2) Traditional capitalization (start of each line regardless of sentence structure) is discommended by many on this board as archaic. I''m neutral on the subject, but in a poem like yours (mostly without punctuation) capitalizing almost every line makes the reader work harder to decide where a thought or phrase stops/starts. Although there's nothing *wrong* with either minimizing punctuation or traditional capitalization, especially in free verse, I suggest that, as an experiment, you add some commas and periods to indicate pauses/phrases, then eliminate capitalization except at the beginning of sentences. See how you like it, and if you think it makes the work easier to read (aloud, or for sense as well as sound).
(12-01-2019, 03:01 PM)Lavender.snicker Wrote: Why is itThis is quite nice, inventive, and expressive. A little self-centered, but that helps with expression and can create a bond with the reader.
That I can’t become this haze absence of punctuation may be hurting you here, combined with traditional capitalization
Become it, submit
To Solid skies
Liquid air
Still inside my callow lungs
My paper heart is weathered yet, interesting placement of the comma here (instead of after "weathered")
It knows all too well
Self-imposed rancor inversion here (rather than "...knows self-imposed rancor all too well") can be a bit confusing
In a big empty world
Of those who, capitalization works against continuity here, otherwise could read "[i]n a big empty world of those who..."
When I look upon their face, nice use of apparent mismatch (instead of "their faces") implying they have only one face for all
I find “love” in their colored pencil eyes,
And a rosy smile on their colored pencil cheeks
But I am drawn
Farther, farther away
Sailing in my paper boat
Down murky streams
For I am meant to be a paper doll
-but I am not em dash after "doll" could reposition the pause here
And so my boat sinks is "[A]nd" necessary?
And I find comfort in
Slow, seraphic sadness, a nice phrase, though I don't picture seraphs as sad - serious, maybe
Warmth in silenced sorrow
It seems
Ink and color fades in water really should be plural ("ink and color fade") since both fade
-as do simple pleasantries, absence of capitalization here shows why it could work for you, generally applied
And kind words in a mind adrift
-decidedly I take this as a very long inversion (of "...and color fade decidedly in water-- as do simple pleasantries")
Two general observations/suggestions:
(1) Watch out for inversions (example, "toward the gate he ran"). They're more of a problem in rhymed and metric verse because a lazy author will fall back on them instead of choosing words that fit both the form and normal sentence structure. In your case, with free verse, you use some inversions that are deep enough to confuse the reader (in the last verse, particularly). Inversions are not *wrong*, but worth working to reduce in many cases.
(2) Traditional capitalization (start of each line regardless of sentence structure) is discommended by many on this board as archaic. I''m neutral on the subject, but in a poem like yours (mostly without punctuation) capitalizing almost every line makes the reader work harder to decide where a thought or phrase stops/starts. Although there's nothing *wrong* with either minimizing punctuation or traditional capitalization, especially in free verse, I suggest that, as an experiment, you add some commas and periods to indicate pauses/phrases, then eliminate capitalization except at the beginning of sentences. See how you like it, and if you think it makes the work easier to read (aloud, or for sense as well as sound).
Non-practicing atheist