11-01-2019, 01:19 PM
(10-30-2019, 11:37 PM)Pinprick Wrote: IsolationI like what you're trying here. I do. But I've got just a few problems.
My mind’s desolation
Lost in translation
Hypnotic contemplation
Isolation
Perpetual frustration
Manic desperation
Slum city nation
Isolation
Particle deprivation
Overdose vacation
Relapse relocation
Isolation
My only destination
False proclamation
No emancipation
Isolation
Brain restoration
Idea immigration
Cortex complication
Isolation
Some lines don't feel appropriate for the rest of the piece, marked in green. Some of these could easily be remedied -- particle deprivation => oxygen deprivation, or idea immigration => idea migration.
I'm usually not a fan of one-word lines, and especially one-word strophes. Considering the topic, I'd say it's marginally appropriate here. Still, the derivational morpheme makes it feel less isolated. Perhaps simply using the word "isolated" would be more effective.
If you're the smartest person in the room, you're in the wrong room.
"Or, if a poet writes a poem, then immediately commits suicide (as any decent poet should)..." -- Erthona
"Or, if a poet writes a poem, then immediately commits suicide (as any decent poet should)..." -- Erthona