10-09-2019, 07:20 PM
This poem includes a lot of beautiful imagery but to the extent where it is too much. Relatively, the quality of that imagery, although beautiful, is almost stagnant- cliche, really. The description language that I felt was most fresh or creative was your reference to the animal calling. I found myself actually hearing how their laugh sound.
Many of the adjectives and phrases used within your poem did end up feeling a bit cluttered or simply cliche (everything we are always will be). I think what you should focus on is cutting out unnecessary information within your poem (like broad shoulder) and finding new ways to say what you've explicitly said to us- abstract visuals like the animal calling is one great way.
That said, there are some parts of the poem that include extra details (8 ice cubes) that are crucial for us readers to understand that, yes, it is the little things that count. Those small, important details should be kept in because they add layers and depth to this poem, I feel.
Overall this poem made me feel very butterflies-in-stomach, and I appreciate you sharing this poem! It was a nice read :)
Many of the adjectives and phrases used within your poem did end up feeling a bit cluttered or simply cliche (everything we are always will be). I think what you should focus on is cutting out unnecessary information within your poem (like broad shoulder) and finding new ways to say what you've explicitly said to us- abstract visuals like the animal calling is one great way.
That said, there are some parts of the poem that include extra details (8 ice cubes) that are crucial for us readers to understand that, yes, it is the little things that count. Those small, important details should be kept in because they add layers and depth to this poem, I feel.
Overall this poem made me feel very butterflies-in-stomach, and I appreciate you sharing this poem! It was a nice read :)