10-04-2019, 07:50 AM
A formal poem only works if the rhyme scheme is consistent, if not consistent, it fails just as a tune with one false note fails. So you need to rewrite this with that in mind, also tighten the meter, some metrical variation is OK but if a poem strays too far from the meter it sets up, it is like a tune where the time signature changes in a haphazard way.
EG.
I wandered around the old streets alone
Squared like a chessboard stripped of its hues
Set in weathered brown against the sky's navy blue
I pondered when we loved on that old, slow train
Washing our words down with pilsner and watching the rain
In this 5 line opening S. you have a rhyme scheme of x/aa/bb
Outside the blotted window there were dried drops and finger smudge
All we had were hand motions and the occasional nudge
A smirk or a nod to see the absurdity of the moment
Conversing with the peculiar men and crossing bravely a lofty barrier
Then you have a 4 line S with a rhyme scheme of aa/xy
The burnt orange curtains fell against teal carpet
They fit well on the caterpillar locomotive, smug and sublime
And the four men, two old, two middle-aged, were robust, a rhyme
Of character of sorts, nothing more, we talked and prayed
But they impressed me more than I them, so I send heartfelt thanks
Now a 5 line S with a rhyme scheme of x/aa/yz.
And so I whistled and shouted, hanging out the elderly caboose
Letting hair blow off my face and staring down my grey-bearded muse
Smiling grimly, my body shivering from the mood, not the cold
At this point I returned, feeling assured that she'd be where she'd told
Then aa/bb
Back in the bar of the middle car I encountered the two younger men
Wearing tight faces they took my arm, piercing me with sharp eyes
Turning the corners of their mouths slowly and motioning about
Pretending I understood, I finally had, and it was clear
He'd simply asked if I'd sit down and I could give him my ear
Then x/yz/aa
Much obliged I took his offer - my heart was much too full
Like the sidewalks on a Bucharest Friday - my eyes the streetlamps' glow
I took another shake from my acquaintance's rough hands
And asked him carefully and slowly if he'd been anytime to Indiana
The blank look on his face told me an unsurprising no
Then another 5 line S and so on.
You can't be this loose and expect the poem to work, I have not analyzed the meter but the same crit applies, it is too diffuse. Read the poem aloud or record yourseldf reciting it, that is a good way to hear where it is stumbling. And read the poem from start to finish, meter carries across from S. to S. The content has a lot going for it, nice images and a concise narrative, but I wont go into that, if you fix up the form the content will automatically be tightened too.
good luck
Ross
EG.
I wandered around the old streets alone
Squared like a chessboard stripped of its hues
Set in weathered brown against the sky's navy blue
I pondered when we loved on that old, slow train
Washing our words down with pilsner and watching the rain
In this 5 line opening S. you have a rhyme scheme of x/aa/bb
Outside the blotted window there were dried drops and finger smudge
All we had were hand motions and the occasional nudge
A smirk or a nod to see the absurdity of the moment
Conversing with the peculiar men and crossing bravely a lofty barrier
Then you have a 4 line S with a rhyme scheme of aa/xy
The burnt orange curtains fell against teal carpet
They fit well on the caterpillar locomotive, smug and sublime
And the four men, two old, two middle-aged, were robust, a rhyme
Of character of sorts, nothing more, we talked and prayed
But they impressed me more than I them, so I send heartfelt thanks
Now a 5 line S with a rhyme scheme of x/aa/yz.
And so I whistled and shouted, hanging out the elderly caboose
Letting hair blow off my face and staring down my grey-bearded muse
Smiling grimly, my body shivering from the mood, not the cold
At this point I returned, feeling assured that she'd be where she'd told
Then aa/bb
Back in the bar of the middle car I encountered the two younger men
Wearing tight faces they took my arm, piercing me with sharp eyes
Turning the corners of their mouths slowly and motioning about
Pretending I understood, I finally had, and it was clear
He'd simply asked if I'd sit down and I could give him my ear
Then x/yz/aa
Much obliged I took his offer - my heart was much too full
Like the sidewalks on a Bucharest Friday - my eyes the streetlamps' glow
I took another shake from my acquaintance's rough hands
And asked him carefully and slowly if he'd been anytime to Indiana
The blank look on his face told me an unsurprising no
Then another 5 line S and so on.
You can't be this loose and expect the poem to work, I have not analyzed the meter but the same crit applies, it is too diffuse. Read the poem aloud or record yourseldf reciting it, that is a good way to hear where it is stumbling. And read the poem from start to finish, meter carries across from S. to S. The content has a lot going for it, nice images and a concise narrative, but I wont go into that, if you fix up the form the content will automatically be tightened too.
good luck
Ross