09-04-2019, 04:19 AM
(09-03-2019, 11:22 PM)dukealien Wrote: Echoes (Senryu)Is it live, or is it Memorex?
Women’s loud complaints
penetrate motel’s thin walls—
life, or NPR?
Gave me lots to think about, as far a a senryu goes, so I'd call that a success. I'm a student of short work and generally edit mine into oblivion one word and one comma at a time.
Some thoughts if not crits...
Funny how the word "Women's" opens up the possibility of a political statement whether the rest of the poem intends it or not. (more so in a short piece)
"penetrate" carries enough connotations as to be a pretty decent one word poem on its own. It's one of those weighty words that can get ahead of a poem. If "women's" was not plural, I could easily be distracted into thinking this was a wailing rape victim. However,this is an ambiguity that only survives a clumsy read. So I have no complaints.
I first wondered if "life" said everything you wanted it to, or if it was just the best compromise to keep 5-7-5 alive. Now that I've had some time to digest it, I think it does just fine.
Lastly, I'm struggling with the question mark. Do you need it? I mean, the poem reads as a question anyway, leaving the question mark out opens the possibility that this is a statement, as much as it is a question, with full deniability.
