Rhys

[Seraphim]

I see two problems here, for me. The first is parts seem incomprehensible. These have been pointed out by others. The second problem is I don’t see what makes this poetry, as opposed to prose. The old saw that poetry must be at least as well written as prose. This does not, to me, appear to be even good prose, much less possess anything poetic.

My only suggestion is to cut out a lot of unnecessary, confusing images, form an outline which says what you want to say, then work from there.