07-30-2019, 10:17 AM
(07-30-2019, 09:39 AM)EMK Wrote: AirWhen describing the default nature of air, I think "airy" kinda goes without saying.
The air around her changed
From airy
Now estranged
Blooming forcefully
Bright colors
Faded
Forgot the water
Forgot the sun
Forgot
Her air
While most of your poem has very earthy language, the line "now estranged" lends to a more personal relationship. If that's meant to be paralleled, I'd suggest trying to include another personal connection near the end of the poem -- or otherwise remove that line, the one above, and then trim/rearrange accordingly.
Good subject, and you're pointed in the right direction, but I do want slightly more. And lastly (and this is not critical at this stage), I think some of the line-breaks are unnecessary, especially on your one-word lines (although a single word can be effective if used properly).
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"Or, if a poet writes a poem, then immediately commits suicide (as any decent poet should)..." -- Erthona
"Or, if a poet writes a poem, then immediately commits suicide (as any decent poet should)..." -- Erthona