07-27-2019, 08:03 PM
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Hi CRNDLSM,
I'm with billy, I'm afraid. This feels vastly overwritten, and the story, such as it is, doesn't
warrant the length - the ending didn't justify the journey.
The 'Expected dramatic devastation'doesn't seem particularly dramatic or devastating.
I think the should be a stronger focus ona smaller cast (S3 and S8 for preference).
Other problems were in the way details were revealed.
'Chris' (S1) & 'the owner' (S4) - are only shown to be the same person in S10.
Still don't know who the 'last manager' was.
food can't make itself; people still ate - I didn't see this as necessarily a description
of what N does for a living. Is it a 'restaurant' (S4) or a 'store' (S8) or both? And would
'productivity' (S10) be used to describe the former?
The 'earthquake' that takes up half of S1 plays no further part in the story. Does it matter?
Looking to be corrected here, but, as far as I can tell, N doesn't quit. So why that opening?
Best, Knot
.
Hi CRNDLSM,
I'm with billy, I'm afraid. This feels vastly overwritten, and the story, such as it is, doesn't
warrant the length - the ending didn't justify the journey.
The 'Expected dramatic devastation'doesn't seem particularly dramatic or devastating.
I think the should be a stronger focus ona smaller cast (S3 and S8 for preference).
Other problems were in the way details were revealed.
'Chris' (S1) & 'the owner' (S4) - are only shown to be the same person in S10.
Still don't know who the 'last manager' was.
food can't make itself; people still ate - I didn't see this as necessarily a description
of what N does for a living. Is it a 'restaurant' (S4) or a 'store' (S8) or both? And would
'productivity' (S10) be used to describe the former?
The 'earthquake' that takes up half of S1 plays no further part in the story. Does it matter?
Looking to be corrected here, but, as far as I can tell, N doesn't quit. So why that opening?
Best, Knot
.