07-12-2019, 08:00 AM
Thank you so much. I haven't written anything in a very very long time, so this was tough to post... Not sure if it's amazing or horrible or somewhere in between. I'm glad you liked it. Some of the line breaks are not where I want, just couldn't get them to fit across this particular page. But others I chose and I agree with you-- especially in the example you gave-- they do feel like an intrusion as I read it again. And I like the idea of considering a prose poem format. Thanks for the helpful critique!
(07-12-2019, 07:25 AM)busker Wrote: The poem bristles with sharp observations
I don’t know if the line breaks help. If anything, they force pauses where not necessary.
So much of the poem is about picture painting, , that the pauses sound like the narrator intruding.
For instance:
you are stubborn
steadfast adamantly
unafraid
I tunnel into you searching for a sign that
you see me new but
your old eyes stare back at me
unfazed
This might be better as a prose poem?
Otherwise, I wouldn’t change a thing
Forgot to add: thanks for the read. This was magnificent