And I wonder if you love me

[Shelleshell13]

Thank you so much for the feedback, Knot. I have always needed a red pen taken to my work, cut cut cut, and I'm happy to do that. Always just need that first push off the cliff. I think the initial attempts at imagery are there, but I can definitely up my language game here and give you something novel as well. I hate the title, and I'm stuck on the ending, but your suggestions give me somewhere to start. I appreciate the effort to make it through to the end... I was hoping if I could get just one person to invest in it, I'd get enough to go on. Thank you kindly.

Hi Shelleshell13
(are there really 12 other Shelleshells?)

The sentiment is clear, and honest, but
frankly, there is too much here. An awful
lot feels like repetition, and the language
seems largely in one register. Nothing wrong
with simplicity - this, for instance, I really liked:
the last smile fading from your lips after the
one two three little kisses you left with me
(fun, familiarity, routine and love in two lines) -
but the only really novel image for me in was
the 'animal outside the window' section.

I don't think your title does enough, and
the ending lacks dramatic resolution or
revelation. (You've got to reward the reader
for their effort ).

I think you could develop this into a
tighter, more focused piece, perhaps along
these lines.


With New Eyes


the first time I saw you was last night in my bed
shoulder caught on the corner of the sheet, drifting
to sleep. I've never woken up to your breathing,
heavy and slow in the dark, or watched you
step from the shower, stretch your calves, smiling
when you catch me

when you laugh it's like waking up
in a new country, outside the window
an animal you've never heard calls out
the sound rolling from its throat, so completely
foreign that it catches you off guard
you hold your breath so each note resonates
perfectly that is how your laugh enters my head
each time a thrill and I think did I make that happen?
and you don't even know, you just keep talking.

I see you though you don't see me at all, don't realize
I could be gone - in the space of one breath - like that
time you called me to the patio door, the sunrise blood orange
and magenta and you draped your arm across my shoulder,
nodded at the horizon, the colors swelling and vanishing
leaving a bruise under the sun as it crested the trees. beautiful
but nothing we were going to stand around watching
in our pajamas

I search your face for signs of awareness
of the love and fear I feel when I look at you
but your jaw is loose your brow smooth
? bent only by a wry smile as you tease me
for being clumsy or for my tears because some boy
in the news found his dog lost for an entire year
I search your face but all I find is ease

You wake up and it's just another morning
and exactly how you thought it would be:
I'm half balled up under our gray and yellow quilt
and you wonder if the alarm will wake me first
or the sound of the water bouncing off the shower wall
or the clink of the door as you step out
you set your soft lips on mine the feel of my mouth
is just like last night and yesterday morning
and that day when you leaned into me
for the first time – good morning


Best, Knot.


.