07-11-2019, 10:42 PM
Hi Gina,
This poem really worked for me, I found it intriguing. I got tripped up by the second half but was pleasantly surprised when I finished and understood the picture you were painting. I think it's a great start!
Couple of notes:
For Thursday, the line "all dome was in dark hue" was too obscure for me. The rest of the imagery was concrete to that point and the syntax threw me a bit as well, so I didn't quite follow you there. After reading through the end, the line made more sense, but I'd like it to be a little less forced-- maybe just "Thursday night I looked up / A dome dark and empty". And it might be more powerful to have that be your Sunday night line. One other minor thing is you have back to back imagery of planes in the sky on Saturday and Sunday. Maybe choose one and come up with something totally different to fill out the list of observations. Finally, I agree with the other poster that some more imagery could really improve the poem-- I like the succinctness of it all, so I would understand if you don't want to use similes which get a but longer, but even adding short descriptors like "Jet streamed a fuzzy line" could help.
Anyhow, I hope that helps! Enjoyed the poem.
This poem really worked for me, I found it intriguing. I got tripped up by the second half but was pleasantly surprised when I finished and understood the picture you were painting. I think it's a great start!
Couple of notes:
For Thursday, the line "all dome was in dark hue" was too obscure for me. The rest of the imagery was concrete to that point and the syntax threw me a bit as well, so I didn't quite follow you there. After reading through the end, the line made more sense, but I'd like it to be a little less forced-- maybe just "Thursday night I looked up / A dome dark and empty". And it might be more powerful to have that be your Sunday night line. One other minor thing is you have back to back imagery of planes in the sky on Saturday and Sunday. Maybe choose one and come up with something totally different to fill out the list of observations. Finally, I agree with the other poster that some more imagery could really improve the poem-- I like the succinctness of it all, so I would understand if you don't want to use similes which get a but longer, but even adding short descriptors like "Jet streamed a fuzzy line" could help.
Anyhow, I hope that helps! Enjoyed the poem.