06-27-2019, 05:49 PM
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Hi Seraphim,
like the idea, and the ending in particular, but I don't find the voice convincing.
For instance given L1, wouldn't L2 begin 'her' ? Of course you could cut 'that'
from L1 (and make woman plural).
Something for the theologians, but, isn't all pride (to some extent) unholy?
S2, just a bit too much going on here, and 'over me' seems in the wrong place.
('deserted realm' reads like it ought to be capitalised). And 'transfigurment'
is a bid leaden. The inconsistent punctuation doesn't help, S2 is a question,
isn't it?. (As is S4.)
A little cut and paste.
Damn that arrogant woman.
It is her pride which denies me
my due. To see her squirm
in the dirt.
Which perversion demands
she prefer self exile
over me, demonised,
made a whore?
Praise be. Another,
now slithers into position.
Trusting and obedient,
on her back.
Lord God Almighty
tell me, why do I cry
the name of ‘Lilith!’
between such compliant thighs?
Best, Knot.
.
Hi Seraphim,
like the idea, and the ending in particular, but I don't find the voice convincing.
For instance given L1, wouldn't L2 begin 'her' ? Of course you could cut 'that'
from L1 (and make woman plural).
Something for the theologians, but, isn't all pride (to some extent) unholy?
S2, just a bit too much going on here, and 'over me' seems in the wrong place.
('deserted realm' reads like it ought to be capitalised). And 'transfigurment'
is a bid leaden. The inconsistent punctuation doesn't help, S2 is a question,
isn't it?. (As is S4.)
A little cut and paste.
Damn that arrogant woman.
It is her pride which denies me
my due. To see her squirm
in the dirt.
Which perversion demands
she prefer self exile
over me, demonised,
made a whore?
Praise be. Another,
now slithers into position.
Trusting and obedient,
on her back.
Lord God Almighty
tell me, why do I cry
the name of ‘Lilith!’
between such compliant thighs?
Best, Knot.
.