Townhouse Conductor - edit3

[Knot]

.
Hi duke,
inching ever onward There are rhymes threatening to break out all over.
Couple of thoughts.

Does 'As if' work with 'presiding' ? Come to that, is 'presiding' necessary
after 'conducting'?
Maybe cut 'deep' and add 'him' ?
a coppered gable's gleam, while below him ?

'fewmets' - great word, new to me - refers to 'game animals' doesn't it?
why not
or down, ignore their eunuchs' dung ?

'part' (S2/L2) is ambiguous, both 'role' and 'melody/harmony', and doesn't
make much sense if it's the latter (as there are no other vulture musicians).
Maybe switch the order of L4 to
illegal-tended, emerald lawns. ?
(any way to get another 'dog/leavings' reference in this verse?
unsullied, illegal-tended, emerald lawns ?)

Do you need 'directs' in S3 (implied by 'still' ?)
Still master-vulture perches, anthracite;
anticipating townhouse coda on a page
much closer than all those thoughtless
dog-walkers suspect.

The descriptions of the buzzards seem to be more of the moments before
the symphony/concert begins than at some point during it.


Best, Knot


.