05-08-2019, 03:59 PM
there's a good one in this. i think the first line could be better put but it doesn't need major edits to polish it up.
(05-07-2019, 07:47 AM)dukealien Wrote: Townhouse Conductor
Black buzzard perches, statuary
on a copper-gleaming gable; i think you're going for the G alteration here and it works. i do feel it's somewhat forced though and would work better as gleaming copper gable
watches while, below, well-off dog-walkers should the comma go after watches,
don't pick up their eunuchs' leavings. feels a bit wordy.
Down a townhouse block, another buzzard
stands sidewalk sentry, rusty-feathered
by comparison with emerald,
illegal-tended lawns. i really like the 2nd half of this stanza it adds a dimension of mencae but feel it's a little back to front like i saw the 2nd line. a suggestion would be;
by comparison with illegally-
tended emerald lawns.
The master-vulture waits, shifts slightly
as if conducting this slow symphony: this feels like it should be [a]
anticipates its coda,
on a page much closer
than dog-walkers thoughtlessly believe.