This is Not Working Out

[Knot]

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Hi Windsor,
lots to like here, the narrative, some excellent lines
('mistakes outnumbering my patience') and images
('the colour of failure'), but overall it's rather loose
and overwritten. Something tighter, more relentless
would better serve the story, I think. As might a
different title.

Just a suggestion:

This is Not Working Out


Lying
in front of me a sheaf
of exam sheets, riddled
in angry red circles, mistakes
('circles' seems a bit weak, in the context)
outnumbering my patience.

This is not working out.

My room
ash-tones, the color of failure,
of my parents faces, of the everyday
sepulchral clouds above us
(don't telegraph the ending with 'hang' )

This is not working out.

Voices,
like insects, louder needling,
swell with derision, an orchestra
deafening. Drowning out

this is not working.

a chair
a rope. a bottle
of bleach from the pantry.
my dad's revolver. Options. Finally,

Maybe this would work out.


Best, Knot.




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