02-07-2019, 10:18 PM
Hi, Cesar, welcome. This poem does establish a mood, some notes:
Wishes
Eyes close,
And amidst hopeful concentration, The "and" seems awkward, you might consider a period or semicolon in place of the comma.
Donned in the setting sun’s array, I'm not sure "array" is the best word here.
Dandelion seeds take flight,
Carried by a mouth’s blow.
I'm not sure if it's the many commas or the capitalization of each line that weighs this down, it could use a second look but the image is strong.
View of many things God-given fades I think "many things" is a missed opportunity to let me in on what the poem is saying.
As every seed in the distance.
*
Dissatisfaction,
Wishes.
*
Lips whispering; quivering
Coin in hand, then — plink.
A penny’s copper face meets
The surface of stagnant, algae-ridden water far below.
Again, a strong image.
A face peers down the well’s mouth, Again, why this comma?
To no avail,
Not a trace of the sleek coin.
In the well’s cool musty depths,
Every gift is hidden.
In her dark recesses,
As light fleeting,
Every blessing’s forgotten.
*
Hands fold expectantly, I don't get this line.
Gaze locks on a shooting star.
The heart’s aspirations
Muttered under breath
Secret longings,
Never to reach a human ear. This says the same thing as "secret" to me.
Trailing behind,
Diffusing into the deep unpromising night sky,
The star’s trail lingers only to vanish.
With the tail, thankfulness ascends into
Space eternal,
Poof,
Vanish.
*
Every heart’s discontentment
Manifest in a wish,
Must be let go,
To fly away.
I think these 4 lines don't really add anything that hasn't already been said or implied.
Whoosh,
Lost in the wind.
Plink,
Abandoned in the dark depths.
Let wishes, "and".
Testimonies of discontentment
diffuse into the night sky,
Ascend into space eternal,
Poof,
Vanish.
I like the plink coming back, I think poof might be stronger without the vanish in both instances.
Just some thoughts to take into an edit if you are considering one. Thanks for posting, I enjoyed the read.
Wishes
Eyes close,
And amidst hopeful concentration, The "and" seems awkward, you might consider a period or semicolon in place of the comma.
Donned in the setting sun’s array, I'm not sure "array" is the best word here.
Dandelion seeds take flight,
Carried by a mouth’s blow.
I'm not sure if it's the many commas or the capitalization of each line that weighs this down, it could use a second look but the image is strong.
View of many things God-given fades I think "many things" is a missed opportunity to let me in on what the poem is saying.
As every seed in the distance.
*
Dissatisfaction,
Wishes.
*
Lips whispering; quivering
Coin in hand, then — plink.
A penny’s copper face meets
The surface of stagnant, algae-ridden water far below.
Again, a strong image.
A face peers down the well’s mouth, Again, why this comma?
To no avail,
Not a trace of the sleek coin.
In the well’s cool musty depths,
Every gift is hidden.
In her dark recesses,
As light fleeting,
Every blessing’s forgotten.
*
Hands fold expectantly, I don't get this line.
Gaze locks on a shooting star.
The heart’s aspirations
Muttered under breath
Secret longings,
Never to reach a human ear. This says the same thing as "secret" to me.
Trailing behind,
Diffusing into the deep unpromising night sky,
The star’s trail lingers only to vanish.
With the tail, thankfulness ascends into
Space eternal,
Poof,
Vanish.
*
Every heart’s discontentment
Manifest in a wish,
Must be let go,
To fly away.
I think these 4 lines don't really add anything that hasn't already been said or implied.
Whoosh,
Lost in the wind.
Plink,
Abandoned in the dark depths.
Let wishes, "and".
Testimonies of discontentment
diffuse into the night sky,
Ascend into space eternal,
Poof,
Vanish.
I like the plink coming back, I think poof might be stronger without the vanish in both instances.
Just some thoughts to take into an edit if you are considering one. Thanks for posting, I enjoyed the read.
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