02-07-2019, 08:35 AM
Eyes close,
And amidst hopeful concentration,
Donned in the setting sun’s array,
Dandelion seeds take flight,
Carried by a mouth’s blow.
View of many things God-given fades
As every seed in the distance.
That part's somehow different from the rest. Though I can't call it bad.
Maybe it's the next part clogging the effect.
*
Dissatisfaction,
Wishes.
Why did you want to add those two lines?
And the last two stanzas. I like the first of the two. But I'm not sure if they're overstating things. Though I see the technique.
And amidst hopeful concentration,
Donned in the setting sun’s array,
Dandelion seeds take flight,
Carried by a mouth’s blow.
View of many things God-given fades
As every seed in the distance.
That part's somehow different from the rest. Though I can't call it bad.
Maybe it's the next part clogging the effect.
*
Dissatisfaction,
Wishes.
Why did you want to add those two lines?
And the last two stanzas. I like the first of the two. But I'm not sure if they're overstating things. Though I see the technique.