Tell Me Not

[Knot]

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Hi homer,
I'm broadly in agreement with Richard on your piece,
the ending works very well, it's just getting there that
is a bit of a let down.
I'm less troubled by the sentimentality than the flirtation
with cliché (in addition to the one Richard identified),
the truth/lie stanza seems particularly poor to me.

The title reminded me of
's/he loves me
s/he loves me not'
which I liked.

I think the repetition of 'not' in both lines of each couplet
is a weakness, the second diminishing the first, and all
ultimately detracting from the final stanza.

The lack of an 'I' in s1, compared to all the
others, is rather noticeable.

Is there really much difference between 'troubles' and
'sorrows'? If not you might cut the first stanza.

As a way out of the cliché/I and trouble/sorrow issue
(assuming you agree such exists ) you might consider
cutting both s1/s2 and replacing s5, so beginning with
s3/s4, also perhaps alternate 'speak not' with 'tell me not'.
Just a suggestion:

Speak not of your gaities
and I will not smile

Tell me not your dreams
and [I'll] not be beguiled

Speak not of your sorrows
Else with mine I'll reply

Tell me not you love me
Or for certain I'll die.

I think you need to make more of what Richard calls the
'antagonistic relationship'.
(Tell me not of your lovers - sprang to mind)

Not convinced by 'gaities', maybe 'revelries' or 'revels'?


Best, Knot.



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