01-02-2019, 02:56 PM
silly me read all the feedback of others first and now i'm tainted; that said i do like the title. in it i see cliche actions as opposed to cliche phrasing, things most kids have gone through. As it is the poem feels somewhat dispassionate where i expected it to be full of warmth and gooey stuff. call her mum or sister something or something else. show us the person behind the bath and hands. i think you have a great base on which to flesh your poem out. doesn't need any drastic edits.
(12-31-2018, 01:57 PM)alexorande Wrote: Bedtime Clichés
Her liver-spotted hands while i see a grans hand i'd like the warmth of knowing it was. for all we know it could be grand dad though you do say 'she' later on i the piece.
run warm water through dry hair,
massaging soap into our scalps
until lather dribbles over wincing eyes. ripe for a simile [over wincing eyes like...]
The fragrance of green apple promises
a new age of creation. Before we whine, this couplet works really well for me, thought the 'we whine' was an excellent sound that fitted the rest of the couplet.
she takes both thumbs to wipe away
the bubbles while she hums a lullaby. no need for [the] and you could change [while she] to [and] thereby removing one of the 'she's'
Today's clothes are strewn across
ceramic tiles; its fabric is a phrase don't get the latter part of the couplet.
full of sand, smelling of the sea, and
ketchup-stained. Incarnations picked by her i think incarnations is trying to hard to be clever
are folded on the sink. And the guise
of childhood convinces us that
we are the idea. last line feels forced as though you just picked any old end line. it needs to be better i think.