Edit3 - To the Limits of Vision
#5
(11-01-2018, 09:54 AM)dukealien Wrote:  To the Limits of Vision
I know it's basic, but I think you could move it to intensive and come out with a solid deal here, good work

Here's to the God-granted limits of vision
that spare us all sight of hairy dust mites,
of earthquakes aborning in landslips beneath us, aborning is a weird word I had to look it up but it makes sense
and (greatest of mercies) our fellow-men’s souls.


From fear of ugliness He made provision
by blinding our eyes to virus and blights; some people are highly sensitive to ugliness, obsessions with superficial changes.  Virus aren't necessarily ugly to me.
sight stoppered by stone, too, He chose to bequeath us, sight stoppered by stone?
that doom might surprise us like bulldozered moles.
Yes the moles would be surprised by bulldozers, but the structure of the sentence makes the moles either like the doom or the surprised
Most of all, we must applaud His decision
to hide our red rage at meaningless slights, who's blinded in this section? And why are we thankful?
men's envy, those hellish depressions that wreath us
at holidays, funerals, when the bell tolls. I really love the rhyme scheme and this third section sounds good, I'm just not immediately connecting it to the Grand theme, which is probably my own fault

Praise our Creator, for we can envision
His reason to block His creatures' insights:
He sees our bad hearts through the falsehoods that sheath us
and spares us His pain as we fail in our roles. If we can envision his reason to block it, we can see what he's blocking?  Asking thanks for the ability to be ignorant of our own faults we see in others?


Here's to the God-granted limits of vision
that spare us all sight of hairy dust mites,
fell earthquakes aborning in strata beneath us
and, greatest of mercies, our fellow-men’s souls.


In the nature of a toast.  Posted here rather than short form or for-fun to see how our fine crop of critics can improve it.
Peanut butter honey banana sandwiches
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Messages In This Thread
Edit3 - To the Limits of Vision - by dukealien - 11-01-2018, 09:54 AM
RE: To the Limits of Vision - by billy - 11-03-2018, 11:49 AM
RE: Edit - To the Limits of Vision - by dukealien - 11-11-2018, 01:02 AM
RE: Edit - To the Limits of Vision - by billy - 11-11-2018, 07:38 AM
RE: Edit - To the Limits of Vision - by CRNDLSM - 12-24-2018, 12:27 AM
RE: Edit2 - To the Limits of Vision - by billy - 01-02-2019, 03:10 PM
RE: Edit3 - To the Limits of Vision - by billy - 01-09-2019, 03:58 PM



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