green green

[nozaki]

like this a lot- 

ah, you won’t remember the sweet October when amber juice drips from the vines 
and where does the little grape picker go on that greenest afternoon -'little girl' in l4 obviates the need for 'little' here 

ah, the sea got stormy today 

little girl, shrink midst the swollen grapes quickly -don't think quickly is necessary here. 
because the goats’ hooves sing, ah, a joyful god and his dusty entourage, 
and a green coluber in the sea of green -repetition of green verges on heavy

ah, you won’t remember the sweet October when you take a sip of juice -love this last line. 

good work