12-15-2018, 08:55 PM
Hi duke.
Of the Laws (A Missing Analect)
- I think billy has offered a much better title
with his excellent 'Confusionism'.
“Master,” asked his eager student,
- This doesn't seem quite as formal
as a couple of the translations I
skimmed, why not:
Eager Student asked his Master:
“why is Ocean’s level higher
- can't put my finger on it, but
'Ocean's level' seems wrong (not
to mention the repetition of 'level'
in S4. (Also, is it the right term,
given 'Ninefold Heaven'?)
at some places than at others?
Here it overtops a sea-wall,
- would like to know where 'here'
is (surely there are some comic
possibilities) and 'over-top' is,
again, a little off to me.
but, a few leagues back, its water
stopped six fathoms down. Can it be
- I think the units of measurements used
should fit the culture.
that sea-level is not truly
just the same at every place?
- In the original are a series of
questions often asked before an
answer is given? If not, you might
begin, not with a question but with:
Eager student said to his Master:
I have noticed that Ocean's ...
“Has this world a curve, oh Master,
just as Ninefold Heaven arches
over all its lands and seas?”
- I think this confuses (beg pardon)
things, it seems odd that ES would
attempt to provided his own answer
before waiting for Master's response.
Also 'curve', why not an appropriately
Chinese comparision?
“Fool!” his master said, but kindly,
- This doesn't read as authentic at all,
particularly the characterisation of
'kindly'.
“what makes you believe a wall men
built is level as an ocean?
Some who build, skimp, stopping lower
than they promised, and yet others
build too high because they pocket
money for each stone they lay.
- I think the order of this is wrong,
perhaps.
The Master said: Consider,
Eager Student, some who build
will skimp .... So why do you believe
a wall which a man builds would be as
level ...
(I think, if possible, skimp should be
replaced with an appropriately Confucian
term)
Perhaps S2 here?
Eager Student asked: Has then the
world a curve ...
“If all men would do exactly
as the Son of Heaven orders
in his wisdom, Middle Kingdom
would not suffer flood or famine.”
But, so saying, Master winked.
- the 'winked' is far too heavy handed,
doesn't fit with the title and reads as
slightly lazy. I think there might be
sufficient irony in 'If all ... famine'
that you don't need it.
This is as basic as I can get. Hope it helps.
Best, Knot.
.
Of the Laws (A Missing Analect)
- I think billy has offered a much better title
with his excellent 'Confusionism'.
“Master,” asked his eager student,
- This doesn't seem quite as formal
as a couple of the translations I
skimmed, why not:
Eager Student asked his Master:
“why is Ocean’s level higher
- can't put my finger on it, but
'Ocean's level' seems wrong (not
to mention the repetition of 'level'
in S4. (Also, is it the right term,
given 'Ninefold Heaven'?)
at some places than at others?
Here it overtops a sea-wall,
- would like to know where 'here'
is (surely there are some comic
possibilities) and 'over-top' is,
again, a little off to me.
but, a few leagues back, its water
stopped six fathoms down. Can it be
- I think the units of measurements used
should fit the culture.
that sea-level is not truly
just the same at every place?
- In the original are a series of
questions often asked before an
answer is given? If not, you might
begin, not with a question but with:
Eager student said to his Master:
I have noticed that Ocean's ...
“Has this world a curve, oh Master,
just as Ninefold Heaven arches
over all its lands and seas?”
- I think this confuses (beg pardon)
things, it seems odd that ES would
attempt to provided his own answer
before waiting for Master's response.
Also 'curve', why not an appropriately
Chinese comparision?
“Fool!” his master said, but kindly,
- This doesn't read as authentic at all,
particularly the characterisation of
'kindly'.
“what makes you believe a wall men
built is level as an ocean?
Some who build, skimp, stopping lower
than they promised, and yet others
build too high because they pocket
money for each stone they lay.
- I think the order of this is wrong,
perhaps.
The Master said: Consider,
Eager Student, some who build
will skimp .... So why do you believe
a wall which a man builds would be as
level ...
(I think, if possible, skimp should be
replaced with an appropriately Confucian
term)
Perhaps S2 here?
Eager Student asked: Has then the
world a curve ...
“If all men would do exactly
as the Son of Heaven orders
in his wisdom, Middle Kingdom
would not suffer flood or famine.”
But, so saying, Master winked.
- the 'winked' is far too heavy handed,
doesn't fit with the title and reads as
slightly lazy. I think there might be
sufficient irony in 'If all ... famine'
that you don't need it.
This is as basic as I can get. Hope it helps.
Best, Knot.
.