hi Cloud.
i like the extended metaphor but feel the individual images could be stronger, words like soul, sorrow are intangibles and often weaken a metaphor when used alone. [her ****** soul....] insert word of choice
in the last three lines i'd suggest [this bitch] and [clings] or [that bitch] and [clung] or just [the bitch]
you have the making of a good short poem.
i like the extended metaphor but feel the individual images could be stronger, words like soul, sorrow are intangibles and often weaken a metaphor when used alone. [her ****** soul....] insert word of choice
in the last three lines i'd suggest [this bitch] and [clings] or [that bitch] and [clung] or just [the bitch]
you have the making of a good short poem.
(11-28-2018, 10:14 PM)cloud Wrote: Bailey
Her soul is the blinding sun
scorched;
men's ashes shadow distant fields
like sorrow casted clouds [casted] is more of an old type word, for instance, in fishing i'd say [he cast his bait] nice alliteration with the C's
watching this bitch die
as her fading rays this is the best part of the metaphor
desperately clung to the nearest object