Bailey [v1.003]

[Richard]

Hey cloud,
I like some of your imagery here. However, I feel like you could be more specific. I'll go into more detail below:

Bailey

Her soul is the blinding sun -To me, soul is too hard to picture. Why not pick a specific feature?
scorched;
men's ashes shadow distant fields
like sorrow casted clouds -Again, instead of saying "sorrow," why not use a specific image? Maybe some descriptor for the clouds to indicate sorrow?
watching this bitch die -I quite like the last three lines here, and I wonder if this line would make a better opening. It catches my attention more than the current opening line.
as her fading rays 
desperately clung to the nearest object

I look forward to seeing where you take this from here.

Thanks for the read,
Richard