11-26-2018, 12:01 AM
Lobofo,
As others have mentioned there isn’t enough structure in this poem. Yes you have constant refrain, but because it is the most often refrained phrase of the disgruntled, it doesn’t elevate the poem beyond the background noise of facebook posts.
Also, a lot of lines in the poem do not provide context or example. I have no idea what you mean by “why do i have to spend my money because other people won’t help me”.. it reads as if your looking for a handout, but i’m not sure if that was your intent. As a spoken piece, i’m not sure it works because the audience has almost nothing to connect too, its a very me piece.
As others have mentioned there isn’t enough structure in this poem. Yes you have constant refrain, but because it is the most often refrained phrase of the disgruntled, it doesn’t elevate the poem beyond the background noise of facebook posts.
Also, a lot of lines in the poem do not provide context or example. I have no idea what you mean by “why do i have to spend my money because other people won’t help me”.. it reads as if your looking for a handout, but i’m not sure if that was your intent. As a spoken piece, i’m not sure it works because the audience has almost nothing to connect too, its a very me piece.