Nonother
#2
(10-29-2018, 03:53 AM)CRNDLSM Wrote:  No one will save you.  Follow your instincts
as the water rises, covers the shore.
Homes and less sturdy crafts, as their hope sinks, collective plural noun would be "craft" unless you're referring to their arts and skills metaphorically... which would also enrich the meaning of "[h]omes."
break in the ocean's unforgiving roar.
Know, a sound mind, will cut the turbulence,
and stay afloat, drifting above the waves,
maintaining the course set by circumstance,
seeking a future only courage paves. 
Noa needs confuse the company kept,  This line is hard to parse and interpret.  It's the first clear reference to Noah and the ark, can't help wondering why this spelling and absence of a "to" or other connecting word.
when rationed food would vanish in the night.
What could be done, as you the captain, slept,
and images of land passed out of sight?
No wonder, when you got there, you got drunk.
No wonder you wish you had stayed,  and sunk.  Nice tie to the Ham incident.
In mild critique, looking on this as a lyric rather than strict Shakespearean sonnet meant to be read silently or aloud...

Rhyming "instincts" and "sinks" is amusing, as is (to a lesser degree)  "turbulence" and "circumstance."

Food vanishing in the night... does this refer to Tubal-Caine stowed away on the Ark, per the 2014 movie?  Or a second personality of today's lonely Noa?

I have a minor problem with "paves."  It's metaphorical, but seems to need a second reference point... for example, if the line read,

 seeking a sea-road only courage paves  

or the like rather than "future."

There are other points that could be modified if you wanted to stick more closely to iambic pentameter - for example, l2 could read,

as water rises, covering the shore.


but your first line announces that meter will not be exact, and that's OK.

What I'm saying is, there's probably a melody behind the words, that departs from IP.  That being the case, only a general encouragement to use more specific words to replace "the," and clarification of what L9 is trying to say.

Interesting ideas and connections, loneliness of captaining your own boat/life!  Thanks for posting.
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Messages In This Thread
Nonother - by CRNDLSM - 10-29-2018, 03:53 AM
RE: Nonother - by dukealien - 10-29-2018, 08:22 AM
RE: Nonother - by billy - 10-29-2018, 10:13 AM
RE: Nonother - by alonso ramoran - 10-30-2018, 04:17 AM
RE: Nonother - by CRNDLSM - 10-30-2018, 05:45 AM
RE: Nonother - by cloud - 10-30-2018, 09:00 AM



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