10-24-2018, 08:38 PM
Hi applebear (nice name :-) ),
I'll comment on your second version, if that's okay with you.
I think I hear a bit of a rhythm in the first stanza, and you certainly have a rhyme scheme going if 'gone' and 'wrong' are understood as slant rhymes. It's almost like the first verse of a song. But the next stanzas vary, so I'm not sure whether the rhythm and rhyme were intended. I do like them, though.
The rest of the poem explores the narrator (N)'s relationship with friends. N seems to have expected them to offer comfort, and I get disappointment first from the chair's better ability to do this and then the friends' inability to listen followed by their leaving too (beginning of S3). However, they return in S4... only to leave again in S5. I find the exploration of the relationship very interesting, but it's a bit puzzling at times. And by the end N's completely alone, and saying no one knows about this. This is interesting too; it makes me wonder whether N has been rehearsing conversations rather than having them. Am I on the right lines here?
There are a few typos, but those are easily put right :-)
Best wishes,
Ally
I'll comment on your second version, if that's okay with you.
I think I hear a bit of a rhythm in the first stanza, and you certainly have a rhyme scheme going if 'gone' and 'wrong' are understood as slant rhymes. It's almost like the first verse of a song. But the next stanzas vary, so I'm not sure whether the rhythm and rhyme were intended. I do like them, though.
The rest of the poem explores the narrator (N)'s relationship with friends. N seems to have expected them to offer comfort, and I get disappointment first from the chair's better ability to do this and then the friends' inability to listen followed by their leaving too (beginning of S3). However, they return in S4... only to leave again in S5. I find the exploration of the relationship very interesting, but it's a bit puzzling at times. And by the end N's completely alone, and saying no one knows about this. This is interesting too; it makes me wonder whether N has been rehearsing conversations rather than having them. Am I on the right lines here?
There are a few typos, but those are easily put right :-)
Best wishes,
Ally
Please note, I'm away at the moment because my partner is unwell and he requires a little extra TLC.