10-19-2018, 08:44 PM
Hi Keith,
enjoyed the read.
Joe 90 (maybe add a year/date to the title?)
"I need to steal a Russian Plane"
- great opening
so Grandad's chair rotates clockwise
- perhaps
so rotate Grandad's chair clockwise ?
as the process begins.
- Not sure you need this, and 'process'
doesn't do much.
Head back in the spin,
- it doesn't seem dynamic enough
maybe something like
head back as centrifugal forces build ?
picture-rail portraits merge
into a single familiar face.
- like this (though I think you
could make a bit more out of this
and the following 'a life time...')
A life time of ornaments blur
streaks of carriage clock colour,
- don't think 'colour' works that
well, and the alliteration diminishes
rather than enhances (I'd be tempted
by stain or smear, but ...)
bright on tobacco brown walls.
Gas fire chrome lights up tile green
- I'd suggest moving this to the end
of the verse.
as my brothers hands
slap to increase the speed.
Recovery is a moment of laughter,
- Is 'recovery' the right word?
never long enough to breath
- breathe?
before the chair goes anti-clockwise
- maybe 'counter-clockwise' with the
enjambment after 'counter-' ?
and time is undone, the transfer complete.
- Is 'transfer' the 'process' referred to
earlier? Either way it seems unnecessary.
"velcome comrade" says my brother
- shame this isn't in Russian
(добро пожаловать товарищ - acc to google)
and I can understand him.
Best, Knot.
enjoyed the read.
Joe 90 (maybe add a year/date to the title?)
"I need to steal a Russian Plane"
- great opening
so Grandad's chair rotates clockwise
- perhaps
so rotate Grandad's chair clockwise ?
as the process begins.
- Not sure you need this, and 'process'
doesn't do much.
Head back in the spin,
- it doesn't seem dynamic enough
maybe something like
head back as centrifugal forces build ?
picture-rail portraits merge
into a single familiar face.
- like this (though I think you
could make a bit more out of this
and the following 'a life time...')
A life time of ornaments blur
streaks of carriage clock colour,
- don't think 'colour' works that
well, and the alliteration diminishes
rather than enhances (I'd be tempted
by stain or smear, but ...)
bright on tobacco brown walls.
Gas fire chrome lights up tile green
- I'd suggest moving this to the end
of the verse.
as my brothers hands
slap to increase the speed.
Recovery is a moment of laughter,
- Is 'recovery' the right word?
never long enough to breath
- breathe?
before the chair goes anti-clockwise
- maybe 'counter-clockwise' with the
enjambment after 'counter-' ?
and time is undone, the transfer complete.
- Is 'transfer' the 'process' referred to
earlier? Either way it seems unnecessary.
"velcome comrade" says my brother
- shame this isn't in Russian
(добро пожаловать товарищ - acc to google)
and I can understand him.
Best, Knot.