green green

[bogpan]

Hey bogpan,
I like some of your imagery here. However, I feel like there's too much repetition for a shorter piece. I'll go into more detail below:

ah, you won’t remember the sweet October when amber juice drips from the vines
and where does the little grape picker go on that greenest afternoon -The word "green" is in the title twice, so consider a different word than "greenest".

ah, the sea got stormy today

little girl, shrink midst the swollen grapes quickly
because the goats’ hooves sing, ah, a joyful god and his dusty entourage, -I quite like the goat imagery here. This line stuck in my head after reading the entire piece.
and a green coluber in the sea of green -The word "green" is here twice, so I would suggest rewording this line.

ah, you won’t remember the sweet October when you take a sip of juice

Maybe think about changing the title, so to help with the overabundance of the repetition of the word "green". I look forward to seeing where you take this from here.

Thanks for the read,
Richard

Hello Richard. Thank you for your feedback. Yes, I will think of your suggestion to change the title. Thank you very much for your reading.