09-24-2018, 05:39 AM
Thanks to both critics! Haven't been idle on this (removing S2 does tighten it up nicely per @Knot, at the cost of reducing the levels from 3+ to two). Tried rewriting the remaining two but retaining rhyme and meter - turned into a muddle.
The seed experience and concept can likely be expressed in a senryu much like @Knot's rewrite. On the other hand, the full three stanzas, refined, might make something better, too, per @CRNDLSM (first draft had "gamer" and "he's" capitalized along those lines).
Edits continue, nothing to show for them yet.
The seed experience and concept can likely be expressed in a senryu much like @Knot's rewrite. On the other hand, the full three stanzas, refined, might make something better, too, per @CRNDLSM (first draft had "gamer" and "he's" capitalized along those lines).
Edits continue, nothing to show for them yet.
Non-practicing atheist