07-21-2018, 12:34 AM
Hi Elizazile,
I'm largely in agreement with duke, particularly as regards rhythm.
My main punctuation nit would be the lack of a comma after either 'seasons'
or Florida girl' in the opening verse (there are others, but they are easy fixes).
Not convinced by S2, though maybe it is in the wrong place?
Some thoughts/suggestions.
(I think S3 would make a stronger start, so...)
Warm seeps through the wooden skeleton
- ('Warm seeps' is a little flat, given what follows,
also, maybe the softer 'frames' for 'skeleton'?)
of your mostly concrete home; concrete
and wood, the anthem here. Concrete
- (I think you need to make more use of 'anthem',
where is the music in the rest of the verse?)
plazas, glowing in the sunset, somehow.
Wooden docks, perched at water's edges,
crumbling, sleepy and uneasy, [beneath
a chorus] of gulls, pelicans, egrets
and spoonbills,[waiting] to be scrapped away
next hurricane season. In the meantime...
Unchanging Florida
girl, you never thought
you'd be our most ardent
defender, nor unwilling
- Again, I'm with duke, 'ardent defender' is rather weak.
hostage. But here you are.
Unchanging, as the Florida Fall,
putting forth [all] the effort fall requires;
in spirit, in cider, [in] cinnamon sticks,
[and] avocado vomit from a jack-o-lantern mouth.
Your friend dressed up as her 'ideal self',
me and your ex in the same pumpkin shirt
(whoops!) Florida's Fall
has little to do with Florida at all,
[but] you pull it in close like a hug.
Unchanging as those few weeks of wet
winter air, still, biting down in spite
of a sky that smiles blue, happy to host this
- like 'biting down in spite of a sky that smiles'
and 'traffick of touristing' (though perhaps
without the 'k'?)
traffick of touristing bluebirds, cardinals,
woodpeckers and northern pintails.
Unchanging spring and summer showers.
Some torrential, everything but two feet ahead
- like summer/some
obscured for now, rain danc[ing in] mud[,]
puddles splatter themselves on the wet engine-heat
of cars driv[ing] straight through this[,] half-blind.
[Others,] the kind without a cloud in sight,[then]
- nice sonics in these last two lines.
sprinkles from nowhere, God flicking her wet hands.
Where do these happy tears come from?
- It's almost parenthetical, do you need it?
[In the meantime...]
Cup your hands. Life that pools up,
is full, spills out again, ever unchanging
in the staleness and the newness it brings
to you and lets seep away.
My favorite in all this is when you take one
- bit lost on 'my favourite in all this' (you favourite what?)
Would it work if it was
My favourite, Florida girl, is when you take one ?
of those Florida hands let it drip dry
and reach out to hold mine.
- Very nice ending.
Enjoyed the read.
Best, Knot.
I'm largely in agreement with duke, particularly as regards rhythm.
My main punctuation nit would be the lack of a comma after either 'seasons'
or Florida girl' in the opening verse (there are others, but they are easy fixes).
Not convinced by S2, though maybe it is in the wrong place?
Some thoughts/suggestions.
(I think S3 would make a stronger start, so...)
Warm seeps through the wooden skeleton
- ('Warm seeps' is a little flat, given what follows,
also, maybe the softer 'frames' for 'skeleton'?)
of your mostly concrete home; concrete
and wood, the anthem here. Concrete
- (I think you need to make more use of 'anthem',
where is the music in the rest of the verse?)
plazas, glowing in the sunset, somehow.
Wooden docks, perched at water's edges,
crumbling, sleepy and uneasy, [beneath
a chorus] of gulls, pelicans, egrets
and spoonbills,[waiting] to be scrapped away
next hurricane season. In the meantime...
Unchanging Florida
girl, you never thought
you'd be our most ardent
defender, nor unwilling
- Again, I'm with duke, 'ardent defender' is rather weak.
hostage. But here you are.
Unchanging, as the Florida Fall,
putting forth [all] the effort fall requires;
in spirit, in cider, [in] cinnamon sticks,
[and] avocado vomit from a jack-o-lantern mouth.
Your friend dressed up as her 'ideal self',
me and your ex in the same pumpkin shirt
(whoops!) Florida's Fall
has little to do with Florida at all,
[but] you pull it in close like a hug.
Unchanging as those few weeks of wet
winter air, still, biting down in spite
of a sky that smiles blue, happy to host this
- like 'biting down in spite of a sky that smiles'
and 'traffick of touristing' (though perhaps
without the 'k'?)
traffick of touristing bluebirds, cardinals,
woodpeckers and northern pintails.
Unchanging spring and summer showers.
Some torrential, everything but two feet ahead
- like summer/some
obscured for now, rain danc[ing in] mud[,]
puddles splatter themselves on the wet engine-heat
of cars driv[ing] straight through this[,] half-blind.
[Others,] the kind without a cloud in sight,[then]
- nice sonics in these last two lines.
sprinkles from nowhere, God flicking her wet hands.
Where do these happy tears come from?
- It's almost parenthetical, do you need it?
[In the meantime...]
Cup your hands. Life that pools up,
is full, spills out again, ever unchanging
in the staleness and the newness it brings
to you and lets seep away.
My favorite in all this is when you take one
- bit lost on 'my favourite in all this' (you favourite what?)
Would it work if it was
My favourite, Florida girl, is when you take one ?
of those Florida hands let it drip dry
and reach out to hold mine.
- Very nice ending.
Enjoyed the read.
Best, Knot.