07-19-2018, 09:52 PM
Hi Richard!
This poem hurts my heart !! So congrats on that
First, I like the title a lot. I like the seeming double meaning of 'warning,' it's good to come back to when you've finished the poem.
Those words remind me of snowflakes we've tasted-
individuality lost on our tongues. ---makes me think in terms of both individual snowflakes melting together, and the couple losing their individuality as well, a 'warning' sign. Liked this.
Darkening sky could be your memory. -I like this line, I think it's a good transition and shows the two may have had different takeaways from the relationship
The storm begins quiet as tears
hidden beneath a blanket too heavy for one; --- Not sure if this is 'one' as in 'someone?' Or too heavy for 'one' tear?
growing wind becomes louder than arguments
about whose turn it was to make the bed.
Eventual whiteout a lonely climax, missing
your joke about the polar bear in a blizzard. ----Sweet last two lines, hurt my feelings in a good way.
Night returns silence, like it always does,
yesterday a ghost vanquished by daylight.
I thought this was smooth and liked it a lot. One thing that struck me, if this makes sense, is that it feels like the first and last stanzas were less straightforward, and more double meanings, whereas the middle stanza had more simile ('quiet as tears') and comparison ('louder than arguments') and seemed more direct, and I found those instances slightly less hard-hitting.
Thanks for letting us read
This poem hurts my heart !! So congrats on that
First, I like the title a lot. I like the seeming double meaning of 'warning,' it's good to come back to when you've finished the poem.
Those words remind me of snowflakes we've tasted-
individuality lost on our tongues. ---makes me think in terms of both individual snowflakes melting together, and the couple losing their individuality as well, a 'warning' sign. Liked this.
Darkening sky could be your memory. -I like this line, I think it's a good transition and shows the two may have had different takeaways from the relationship
The storm begins quiet as tears
hidden beneath a blanket too heavy for one; --- Not sure if this is 'one' as in 'someone?' Or too heavy for 'one' tear?
growing wind becomes louder than arguments
about whose turn it was to make the bed.
Eventual whiteout a lonely climax, missing
your joke about the polar bear in a blizzard. ----Sweet last two lines, hurt my feelings in a good way.
Night returns silence, like it always does,
yesterday a ghost vanquished by daylight.
I thought this was smooth and liked it a lot. One thing that struck me, if this makes sense, is that it feels like the first and last stanzas were less straightforward, and more double meanings, whereas the middle stanza had more simile ('quiet as tears') and comparison ('louder than arguments') and seemed more direct, and I found those instances slightly less hard-hitting.
Thanks for letting us read