Last Independence - edit2, title change

[nozaki]

Last Independence Day


Will this be my last Independence Day
of vaunted solitary life--I can see why you chose these words, but to me, it doesn't set up strong enough of a contrast with the following descriptions of elderly living to invoke much feeling. 
on two feet, two pedaled wheels
before a cane puts in a spoke--'puts' throws me off
or walker-shuffling starts:
lame, nudging ruptured tennis balls?

If science can’t eternalize our youth(,) 
it should at least learn to ensure--would cut 'learn to' 
unexpected passing in one’s sleep(,) 
mistaking that first meeting
with Saint Peter for a routine dream--my favorite part, these few lines. 
of disappointed father-figures
without months of intubated drowning
and dementia which can’t even form
a reasoned willingness
to end.--strong end (literally), in my opinion hindered only by the sentence structure. This whole stanza feels a bit clunky nearing the end, not because of the lines themselves but because of the syntax with which they are arranged; I would consider splitting into two sentences, or 

If science can't eternalize our youth,
it should at least learn to ensure 
unexpected passing in one's sleep, 
mistaking that first meeting with Saint Peter
for a routine dream of disappointed 
father-figures, all who went after 
months of intubated drowning and dementia 
that couldn't even form 
a reasoned willingness
to end. 

Last Independence Day (July 4th, 2018)


Will this year’s be my final Independence Day
my last of vaunted solitary living
life on two feet or two pedaled wheels
before a cane puts in a spoke
or six-point walker-shuffling starts:
two soft shoes
squeaking rubber stoppers
and a pair of ruptured tennis balls?

If science can’t maintain us young eternally
it should at least learn to ensure
an unexpected passing in one’s sleep
mistaking that first meeting with Saint Peter
or his boss for ordinary dreams
of disappointed teachers and commanders
without months of intubated drowning
and dementia fearing life
which can’t even form a willingness
to end.