07-08-2018, 11:55 PM
Hey duke.
Last Independence Day (July 4th, 2018)
Not keen on the title (particularly 'last),
it does too much, I think.
Will this year’s be my final Independence Day
- Don't like the opening sonics ('this year's')
my last of vaunted solitary living
life on two feet or two [pedalled] wheels
before a cane puts in a spoke
or six-point walker-shuffling starts:
two soft shoes
squeaking rubber stoppers
and a pair of ruptured tennis balls?
- It seems a bit overwritten to me.
Just a suggestion:
Is this my last Fourth of July,
my last Day living solitary,
before a cane puts it's spoke in
or six-point walker-shuffling starts?
(probably just me, but it seems to suit
something a bit formal/structured)
If science can’t maintain us young eternally
it should at least learn to ensure
- why is it the responsibility of 'science'?
an unexpected passing in one’s sleep
mistaking that first meeting with Saint Peter
or his boss for ordinary dreams
of disappointed teachers and commanders
(not sure about 'and commanders')
without months of intubated drowning
- excellent line, like how you introduced
a real sense of darkness to the end of this.
and dementia fearing life
- 'fearing' a bit too tell, not show (maybe 'living'?)
which can’t even form a willingness
to end.
- strong finish.
Enjoyed the read.
Best, Knot.
Last Independence Day (July 4th, 2018)
Not keen on the title (particularly 'last),
it does too much, I think.
Will this year’s be my final Independence Day
- Don't like the opening sonics ('this year's')
my last of vaunted solitary living
life on two feet or two [pedalled] wheels
before a cane puts in a spoke
or six-point walker-shuffling starts:
two soft shoes
squeaking rubber stoppers
and a pair of ruptured tennis balls?
- It seems a bit overwritten to me.
Just a suggestion:
Is this my last Fourth of July,
my last Day living solitary,
before a cane puts it's spoke in
or six-point walker-shuffling starts?
(probably just me, but it seems to suit
something a bit formal/structured)
If science can’t maintain us young eternally
it should at least learn to ensure
- why is it the responsibility of 'science'?
an unexpected passing in one’s sleep
mistaking that first meeting with Saint Peter
or his boss for ordinary dreams
of disappointed teachers and commanders
(not sure about 'and commanders')
without months of intubated drowning
- excellent line, like how you introduced
a real sense of darkness to the end of this.
and dementia fearing life
- 'fearing' a bit too tell, not show (maybe 'living'?)
which can’t even form a willingness
to end.
- strong finish.
Enjoyed the read.
Best, Knot.