06-13-2018, 02:19 AM
I stand at the crossroads
People brushing past
Eager to find their place. Are you trying to say that others seemingly already know which path to take or that they too are just as confused but more willing to try?
Their home.
But I remain still Mayhap this would be a good place for an analogy i.e. Still as the infinite sky above
Dread clawing at my being ”Mayhap change “being” into something more concrete? Body/torso/existence/frame/soul “Dread claws at me” ?
Violently tearing at the fibers
Of my heart.
I stare at the ground
My gaze transfixed on the
Well-trodden path. This line is confusing as before there were multiple paths but now there is only one
Where I belong Mayhap address which direction to take first?
Unclear to me.
I succumb and I like that you were trying to give this stanza’s meter a sucker punch, but it loses the flow. Mayhap “Succumbing to (whatever you are succumbing to) I collapse”
Collapse to the
Ground.
Tears stream down my face
In a melancholy deluge.
The paths beckon me I love this stanza, It may be more effective to shorten “ the paths beckon me they pull me in and apart”
They pull me in and
They pull me apart.
I can't walk
Those paths.
I don't belong
Anywhere. I think this word may be unnecessary
People brushing past
Eager to find their place. Are you trying to say that others seemingly already know which path to take or that they too are just as confused but more willing to try?
Their home.
But I remain still Mayhap this would be a good place for an analogy i.e. Still as the infinite sky above
Dread clawing at my being ”Mayhap change “being” into something more concrete? Body/torso/existence/frame/soul “Dread claws at me” ?
Violently tearing at the fibers
Of my heart.
I stare at the ground
My gaze transfixed on the
Well-trodden path. This line is confusing as before there were multiple paths but now there is only one
Where I belong Mayhap address which direction to take first?
Unclear to me.
I succumb and I like that you were trying to give this stanza’s meter a sucker punch, but it loses the flow. Mayhap “Succumbing to (whatever you are succumbing to) I collapse”
Collapse to the
Ground.
Tears stream down my face
In a melancholy deluge.
The paths beckon me I love this stanza, It may be more effective to shorten “ the paths beckon me they pull me in and apart”
They pull me in and
They pull me apart.
I can't walk
Those paths.
I don't belong
Anywhere. I think this word may be unnecessary