06-09-2018, 10:46 PM
Hi nozaki,
much improved by the edit, good work!
Have you thought about a title in the
'ritual purification/cleansing/bathing' area?
You might want to keep an eye on how many
times you use 'and', it becomes a bit noticeable.
Blood breaks in the bath, the wave a shy finger
in lukewarm water. Gorgeous, pink,
too peaky, too fine a color for her brand of violence,
she needs it to be obscene. Elegantly clever.
(Not sure it's necessary, but just for consideration,
...be obscene, elegant, clever.)
The rains bear gifts of starlight upon their long arms,
but there is no youth in the clean breaths of the stars.
Little bit of a muddled (perhaps), how about'
but there is no youth in the stars' clean breaths.
Only melancholy, thin-bodied, classical, and sharp,
and the promise that it will be beautiful.
I'm not keen on the switch from interior (S1) to exterior (S2),
would the piece still work if you started with this verse,
then 'Blood breaks...', then 'The sky opens...' ?
The sky opens, laughing gaily, and she could shut it up right now,
I'd suggest breaking the line on 'up' (visually it looks unbalanced).
she could climb out of it, and turn around,
and point, and beat the world to its knees.
But first she needs to be clean.
She washes her face over the sink, and the water burns,
and her heart breaks. It is a shallow break, bluntly displayed,
Still have to question 'shallow', it it really the best description?
(Rather conflicts with 'lungs collapse' and 'fuck-my...' )
how about 'brittle fracture'?
snapped only because she needed a heart to break for her,
and hers was the closest, and most convenient.
not sure that these add much, if anything
Because her lungs collapse, pressured ever inwards
by the breathlessness of a fuck-my-life whisper-slash-scream,
she goes outwards, stretching, wanting, always
(Still think 'always' is unnecessary).
You could combine the final two verses as:
She washes her face over the sink, and the water burns,
and her heart breaks, lungs collapse, pressured
ever inwards by the breathlessness of a fuck-my-life whisper
-slash-scream[. And] she goes outwards, stretching, wanting
Hope this helps.
Best, Knot.
much improved by the edit, good work!
Have you thought about a title in the
'ritual purification/cleansing/bathing' area?
You might want to keep an eye on how many
times you use 'and', it becomes a bit noticeable.
Blood breaks in the bath, the wave a shy finger
in lukewarm water. Gorgeous, pink,
too peaky, too fine a color for her brand of violence,
she needs it to be obscene. Elegantly clever.
(Not sure it's necessary, but just for consideration,
...be obscene, elegant, clever.)
The rains bear gifts of starlight upon their long arms,
but there is no youth in the clean breaths of the stars.
Little bit of a muddled (perhaps), how about'
but there is no youth in the stars' clean breaths.
Only melancholy, thin-bodied, classical, and sharp,
and the promise that it will be beautiful.
I'm not keen on the switch from interior (S1) to exterior (S2),
would the piece still work if you started with this verse,
then 'Blood breaks...', then 'The sky opens...' ?
The sky opens, laughing gaily, and she could shut it up right now,
I'd suggest breaking the line on 'up' (visually it looks unbalanced).
she could climb out of it, and turn around,
and point, and beat the world to its knees.
But first she needs to be clean.
She washes her face over the sink, and the water burns,
and her heart breaks. It is a shallow break, bluntly displayed,
Still have to question 'shallow', it it really the best description?
(Rather conflicts with 'lungs collapse' and 'fuck-my...' )
how about 'brittle fracture'?
snapped only because she needed a heart to break for her,
and hers was the closest, and most convenient.
not sure that these add much, if anything
Because her lungs collapse, pressured ever inwards
by the breathlessness of a fuck-my-life whisper-slash-scream,
she goes outwards, stretching, wanting, always
(Still think 'always' is unnecessary).
You could combine the final two verses as:
She washes her face over the sink, and the water burns,
and her heart breaks, lungs collapse, pressured
ever inwards by the breathlessness of a fuck-my-life whisper
-slash-scream[. And] she goes outwards, stretching, wanting
Hope this helps.
Best, Knot.