July

[Todd]

Hi Nozaki,

Let me give you some comments on your poem.

The title, in my opinion, does nothing for you. It doesn't build tension, isn't evocative, and doesn't pull the reader in.

Blood breaks in the bath, the wave reduced--Blood gets attention immediately. I like this opening line for its alliteration.
to a shy finger in the lukewarm water. However gorgeous,--shy finger is nice imagery and personification. Gorgeous doesn't usually work for me but in this case there is a slight irony in the context that sells it. Don't think you need the "the" before lukewarm.
pink is too peaky too fine a color for her brand of violence, --So, what I get from this is cutter. Nothing more urgent since anything more wouldn't really require cleverness.
she needs it to be obscene. She needs it to be clever. 
The rains bear gifts of starlight upon their long arms,--This is a lovely, evocative line. These are the moments that make your poem soar. 
but there is no youth to the pure breaths of a star. --Again great follow up line. Alternatively, you could choose to open the poem with these two lines and then slowly provide clues and context. Just a thought.
There is only melancholy, thin-bodied, classical, and sharp, and time. 
The sky opens, laughing gayly, and she could shut it up--like what you do with the second phrase here. It snaps the poem back from the emotional release and the grandeur. 
right now, she could climb out the sky and just. Leave. --This line felt awkward and broke the momentum you were building.
But first she needs to be clean. 
She washes her face over the sink, tap smelling like schnapps,--Not sure the schnapps, peach adds much 
peach, liquid courage because the abstract type is uninspired,--liquid courage is just a cliche. It broke the moment for me. The ideas your wrestling with are good, but that phrase needs to go.
and the water burns, and her heart breaks. It is a shallow--her heart breaks is just not interesting enough. You can do better.
break, bluntly presented, resting on the laurels--resting on her laurels is also cliche. Please rephrase. I'm losing trust in the piece.
of a breathless fuck-my-life whisper-slash-scream. 
Because her lungs collapse inwards, 
she goes outwards, stretching, wanting, always--No issue with the last lines, but the buildup before them needs to be salvaged to give us an adequate payoff.

I hope the comments help some.

Best,

Todd