06-07-2018, 10:25 PM
Hi nozaki.
I don 't think playing with punctuation helps this piece,
it's strong enough in the writing not to need (what might
be seen as) a gimmick. What it does need is editing.
Some suggestions below.
July
It's not that interesting a title.
Blood breaks in the bath, the wave reduced
to a shy finger in the lukewarm water. However gorgeous,
pink is too peaky too fine a color for her brand of violence,
she needs it to be obscene. She needs it to be clever.
It might be a bit more 'readable' broken up into four line verses.
The rains bear gifts of starlight upon their long arms,
but there is no youth to the pure breaths of a star.
should it be 'in the pure...'?
There is only melancholy, thin-bodied, classical,
and sharp, and time. The sky opens, laughing gayly,
do you mean 'gaily'?
and she could shut it up right now, she could climb
out the sky and just. Leave. But first she needs to be
is there an 'of' missing between 'out' and 'the'?
(Also, do you need to repeat 'the sky')
not convinced by the period after 'just'. If you need the pause,
why not ellipsis?
clean. She washes her face over the sink,
tap smelling like schnapps, peach, liquid courage
similarly why not simply 'peach schnapps' ?
Perhaps either 'hot' or 'cold' for 'liquid'?
because the abstract type is uninspired, and the water burns,
'abstract type' doesn't make much sense to me among all
these boldly drawn images, I'd suggest cutting it.
It's also the first of two 'because'.
and her heart breaks. It is a shallow break, bluntly presented,
A 'shallow break' suggests it's not serious. In which case,
why all the angst in the piece?
'bluntly presented' ?
resting on the laurels of a breathless fuck-my-life whisper
'resting on the laurels of' seems to be trying a bit to hard
(again I'd suggest cutting it)
-slash-scream. Because her lungs collapse inwards,
she goes outwards, stretching, wanting, always
might be more effective to end on wanting (with or without
a period)?
Hope I'm not crossing a line, but here's a suggested edit.
Blood breaks in the bath, the wave a shy finger
in the lukewarm water. [G]orgeous, pink[,]
too peaky[,] too fine a color for her brand of violence,
she needs it to be obscene[,] to be clever.
The rains bear gifts of starlight but there is no youth
[in] the pure breaths of a star, only melancholy,
thin-bodied, classical and sharp[. A]nd time.
The sky opens, laughing [gaily. S]he could shut it up
right now, she could climb out and just... Leave. But
first she needs to be clean. She washes her face[,] the tap
smell[s] like peach schnapps, the water burns, and her heart
breaks [in] a breathless fuck-my-life whisper-slash-scream.
Because her lungs collapse inwards, she goes
outwards, stretching, wanting
Enjoyed the read. hope this is of some use.
Best, Knot.
Enjoyed the read. hope this is of some use.
Best, Knot.
I don 't think playing with punctuation helps this piece,
it's strong enough in the writing not to need (what might
be seen as) a gimmick. What it does need is editing.
Some suggestions below.
July
It's not that interesting a title.
Blood breaks in the bath, the wave reduced
to a shy finger in the lukewarm water. However gorgeous,
pink is too peaky too fine a color for her brand of violence,
she needs it to be obscene. She needs it to be clever.
It might be a bit more 'readable' broken up into four line verses.
The rains bear gifts of starlight upon their long arms,
but there is no youth to the pure breaths of a star.
should it be 'in the pure...'?
There is only melancholy, thin-bodied, classical,
and sharp, and time. The sky opens, laughing gayly,
do you mean 'gaily'?
and she could shut it up right now, she could climb
out the sky and just. Leave. But first she needs to be
is there an 'of' missing between 'out' and 'the'?
(Also, do you need to repeat 'the sky')
not convinced by the period after 'just'. If you need the pause,
why not ellipsis?
clean. She washes her face over the sink,
tap smelling like schnapps, peach, liquid courage
similarly why not simply 'peach schnapps' ?
Perhaps either 'hot' or 'cold' for 'liquid'?
because the abstract type is uninspired, and the water burns,
'abstract type' doesn't make much sense to me among all
these boldly drawn images, I'd suggest cutting it.
It's also the first of two 'because'.
and her heart breaks. It is a shallow break, bluntly presented,
A 'shallow break' suggests it's not serious. In which case,
why all the angst in the piece?
'bluntly presented' ?
resting on the laurels of a breathless fuck-my-life whisper
'resting on the laurels of' seems to be trying a bit to hard
(again I'd suggest cutting it)
-slash-scream. Because her lungs collapse inwards,
she goes outwards, stretching, wanting, always
might be more effective to end on wanting (with or without
a period)?
Hope I'm not crossing a line, but here's a suggested edit.
Blood breaks in the bath, the wave a shy finger
in the lukewarm water. [G]orgeous, pink[,]
too peaky[,] too fine a color for her brand of violence,
she needs it to be obscene[,] to be clever.
The rains bear gifts of starlight but there is no youth
[in] the pure breaths of a star, only melancholy,
thin-bodied, classical and sharp[. A]nd time.
The sky opens, laughing [gaily. S]he could shut it up
right now, she could climb out and just... Leave. But
first she needs to be clean. She washes her face[,] the tap
smell[s] like peach schnapps, the water burns, and her heart
breaks [in] a breathless fuck-my-life whisper-slash-scream.
Because her lungs collapse inwards, she goes
outwards, stretching, wanting
Enjoyed the read. hope this is of some use.
Best, Knot.
Enjoyed the read. hope this is of some use.
Best, Knot.