06-07-2018, 03:24 AM
The blindfold of loneliness
Swept away on a June night
Our young and trusting eyes met
Love an unspoken whisper
The blindfold idea doesn't carry through much; the motif of the modes of voice throughout is weakened by that broken image there at the beginning.
Three springs turned yellow autumns
Memories made as leaves fell,
Our lives and dreams became one
Whisper transformed to a shout
The lack of periods makes sense to me, whatever your rationale behind it, because of the twining going on. The first two lines here are by this time unfortunately trite. The lives and dreams line might be trite too, but I like it.
Passion, summer’s fruit we feast
Lives entwine like vines this night
Our families become one
The shout now a sacred vow
The problem here is that the figurative language doesn't add anything. It all seems a little redundant.
Swept away on a June night
Our young and trusting eyes met
Love an unspoken whisper
The blindfold idea doesn't carry through much; the motif of the modes of voice throughout is weakened by that broken image there at the beginning.
Three springs turned yellow autumns
Memories made as leaves fell,
Our lives and dreams became one
Whisper transformed to a shout
The lack of periods makes sense to me, whatever your rationale behind it, because of the twining going on. The first two lines here are by this time unfortunately trite. The lives and dreams line might be trite too, but I like it.
Passion, summer’s fruit we feast
Lives entwine like vines this night
Our families become one
The shout now a sacred vow
The problem here is that the figurative language doesn't add anything. It all seems a little redundant.