06-02-2018, 12:38 PM
Hi, Rave!
Falling in love was good
suprisingly
loving the fall was better
This is nice. I'd like to see you do something with the line breaks though. I'm not sure if "surprisingly" refers to the first line, the third line or both.
Knowing now
what I didn't then
was that she turned out to be half man
beneath the equator
----------------------------------------------
and so my fall prevented
a confrontation
with that one-eyed stranger
Everyone loves a surprise! This stanza presents two distinct thoughts. I've separated them here with these: ---------
What I'm looking for as a reader is how this would sound if the writer were reading the poem out loud. Imagine ways to make this more rhythmic. It reads choppy as it is. You can usually fix that with punctuation. Also, I'd consider taking the "and" out of line five. "And so" seems unnecessary to me.
Overall, not bad and pretty fun. Good luck!
Falling in love was good
suprisingly
loving the fall was better
This is nice. I'd like to see you do something with the line breaks though. I'm not sure if "surprisingly" refers to the first line, the third line or both.
Knowing now
what I didn't then
was that she turned out to be half man
beneath the equator
----------------------------------------------
and so my fall prevented
a confrontation
with that one-eyed stranger
Everyone loves a surprise! This stanza presents two distinct thoughts. I've separated them here with these: ---------
What I'm looking for as a reader is how this would sound if the writer were reading the poem out loud. Imagine ways to make this more rhythmic. It reads choppy as it is. You can usually fix that with punctuation. Also, I'd consider taking the "and" out of line five. "And so" seems unnecessary to me.
Overall, not bad and pretty fun. Good luck!