05-28-2018, 11:35 PM
Hi GrhmJngL
'is composed of mostly' is rather awkward
of mostly ice, with red
and brown secretions of sulphur-
is 'secretions' the right word (technically)?
ic compounds causing streaks
that criss-cross over white.
Beneath the ice, the tidal flex-
do you need 'the ice' again.
Why not just 'Beneath,...' ?
ing from its orbit heats the sol-
id crust, thus forming jets
'thus' makes this read as if it
was cut and pasted from a textbook.
of liquid water, squirting out
to space. Therefore, it’s said
as does 'therefore'
Europa’s oceans are a like-
ly candidate for life.
For me the problem is if you know
what Europa is, then you'll likely
know all of this already, and if you don't
there isn't enough information here.
For your consideration:
Europa - smooth crust of ice,
scratches of sulphuric compounds
like dried bloodstains - a dirty pearl
moon, small Galilean jewel. Tidal
flexing heats a hidden ocean, exhalations
into the blackness, a chance for life,
out there.
ing light, we blink to life,
his fingers tracing lacera-
tions on my leg, still red;
his eyes trace thoughts which only through
tracing/trace seem a bit weak.
unsaying can be said.
the leg/red/said rhyme is a bit intrusive
Not following how something can be said
by it being retracted (unsaying).
His gaze and fingers gliding up,
you could do more with this, I think.
(Fingers following his gaze...?)
blood pulses through the streaks
why not use 'streaks' in S1 too,
instead of 'secretions' ?
of red. My right – his left – arm tens-
es, and we watch the jets
of semen spewing forth.
I feel his arm relax, then flex.
'flex' seems forced here.
uncertain age deflect-
ed from its path, towards us, this year.
Do you need 'this year' (and how does it
relate to 'present day')?
Thus far, the search for life
or artificial origin
has failed. The CalTech Jet
Propulsion Lab say light curve ob-
servations show its redd-
ish hue results from cosmic ray
exposure. “Foreign streak-
It this right? Did l-c observations
show more than probable shape?
ing objects may be much more comm-
on than we thought,” they said.
I'm probably missing something (a lot)
but I don't see how this verse relates to
any of the others.
away from me and said
“I really like you, Graham”, breath-
ing in the white reflect-
ion of the lamplight, blasted from
'reflection' and 'blasted'?
beneath the bridge in streaks
of water-rippled LED.
The blankness of the life unlived
unfolded blankly as
my blank face blinked. My red
'blankness' was weak, 'blankly' and
'blank' take it in the wrong direction.
hand, scalded from the cold, felt for-
eign to my arm, its bloodly jets.
what does 'bloodly' mean?
I only found an urban dictionary
entry for shoes.
do you need to repeat the year?
voy will set sail (not jet)
anyone getting this far will likely
know about solar sails, and not need
the parenthetical observation
- not to mention the 'jet' vs 'rocket'
debate.
towards Proxima Centauri b:
an exoplanet said
to be the closest to our Sun,
found orbiting a red
dwarf star, which dimly flickers, such
that radiative flux
received is similar to Earth’s—
although, the hope for life
is slim, because its sun flares out
fantastic toxic streaks.
and what will they do once they get there?
Just what does 'robot convoy' mean?
(Corporate, National, International...)
lands, brittle, worn, and streaked
no idea what 'three West Highlands' means.
(terriers, men, districts...?)
with foxing, hid a portrait of
should it not be 'hides'?
(Like 'foxing' - new word to me)
Victoria, inkjet-
'inkjet' seems dated, and at odds with 'foxing'.
(why not something cosmological?)
blackly staring through the frame,
having lived her life
in landscape for a hundred years.
An urban fox’s head
stands out among the bins. In mount-
ain fields, its ginger flecks
an 'urban fox' in 'mountain fields' ?
escape my sight, my failing eyes
'escape my sight' is a bit self-conscious,
after all the (deliberately) unpoetic language.
confusing green and red.
Same problem, for me, as with ‘Oumuamua,
not making/feeling any connection to the others.
with cuts unknown, unsaid;
its fluids stream in hot, dark jets;
its tight-drawn borders flex,
as coupled bodies flex with life,
its whites, its blues, and reds.
(possibly 'in' for first 'its' in last line).
The sudden appearance of rhyme seems
odd.
I don't think the verse order is the most effective.
Perhaps consider;
Ashbourne, Jupiter, Rosie Hackett Bridge, Centauri, A boundary.
The line breaks/indentation seem to be more about disguising
the prose than anything else. For me, there's not enough contrast
between the 'dry scientific' sections and the personal ones.
It's like it is written in monotone. That said, the juxtaposition of
the two ideas is interesting, I'm just not sure you've explored it as
fully as you might.
Best, Knot
Interesting read, thanks.
Europa
The title's not doing enough
Jupiter System, present day
'present day' seems a bit meaningless
(given 2069)
Europa’s surface is composed'is composed of mostly' is rather awkward
of mostly ice, with red
and brown secretions of sulphur-
is 'secretions' the right word (technically)?
ic compounds causing streaks
that criss-cross over white.
Beneath the ice, the tidal flex-
do you need 'the ice' again.
Why not just 'Beneath,...' ?
ing from its orbit heats the sol-
id crust, thus forming jets
'thus' makes this read as if it
was cut and pasted from a textbook.
of liquid water, squirting out
to space. Therefore, it’s said
as does 'therefore'
Europa’s oceans are a like-
ly candidate for life.
For me the problem is if you know
what Europa is, then you'll likely
know all of this already, and if you don't
there isn't enough information here.
For your consideration:
Europa - smooth crust of ice,
scratches of sulphuric compounds
like dried bloodstains - a dirty pearl
moon, small Galilean jewel. Tidal
flexing heats a hidden ocean, exhalations
into the blackness, a chance for life,
out there.
Ashbourne, 2017
In bed, beneath the sun’s descend-ing light, we blink to life,
his fingers tracing lacera-
tions on my leg, still red;
his eyes trace thoughts which only through
tracing/trace seem a bit weak.
unsaying can be said.
the leg/red/said rhyme is a bit intrusive
Not following how something can be said
by it being retracted (unsaying).
His gaze and fingers gliding up,
you could do more with this, I think.
(Fingers following his gaze...?)
blood pulses through the streaks
why not use 'streaks' in S1 too,
instead of 'secretions' ?
of red. My right – his left – arm tens-
es, and we watch the jets
of semen spewing forth.
I feel his arm relax, then flex.
'flex' seems forced here.
‘Oumuamua, 2018
An interstellar body ofuncertain age deflect-
ed from its path, towards us, this year.
Do you need 'this year' (and how does it
relate to 'present day')?
Thus far, the search for life
or artificial origin
has failed. The CalTech Jet
Propulsion Lab say light curve ob-
servations show its redd-
ish hue results from cosmic ray
exposure. “Foreign streak-
It this right? Did l-c observations
show more than probable shape?
ing objects may be much more comm-
on than we thought,” they said.
I'm probably missing something (a lot)
but I don't see how this verse relates to
any of the others.
Rosie Hackett Bridge, 2014
With sudden urgency, he pulledaway from me and said
“I really like you, Graham”, breath-
ing in the white reflect-
ion of the lamplight, blasted from
'reflection' and 'blasted'?
beneath the bridge in streaks
of water-rippled LED.
The blankness of the life unlived
unfolded blankly as
my blank face blinked. My red
'blankness' was weak, 'blankly' and
'blank' take it in the wrong direction.
hand, scalded from the cold, felt for-
eign to my arm, its bloodly jets.
what does 'bloodly' mean?
I only found an urban dictionary
entry for shoes.
Centauri Star System, 2069
In ‘sixty-nine, a robot con-do you need to repeat the year?
voy will set sail (not jet)
anyone getting this far will likely
know about solar sails, and not need
the parenthetical observation
- not to mention the 'jet' vs 'rocket'
debate.
towards Proxima Centauri b:
an exoplanet said
to be the closest to our Sun,
found orbiting a red
dwarf star, which dimly flickers, such
that radiative flux
received is similar to Earth’s—
although, the hope for life
is slim, because its sun flares out
fantastic toxic streaks.
and what will they do once they get there?
Just what does 'robot convoy' mean?
(Corporate, National, International...)
Ballyhupahaun, Co. Laois, early 1900s
An aged print of three West High-lands, brittle, worn, and streaked
no idea what 'three West Highlands' means.
(terriers, men, districts...?)
with foxing, hid a portrait of
should it not be 'hides'?
(Like 'foxing' - new word to me)
Victoria, inkjet-
'inkjet' seems dated, and at odds with 'foxing'.
(why not something cosmological?)
blackly staring through the frame,
having lived her life
in landscape for a hundred years.
An urban fox’s head
stands out among the bins. In mount-
ain fields, its ginger flecks
an 'urban fox' in 'mountain fields' ?
escape my sight, my failing eyes
'escape my sight' is a bit self-conscious,
after all the (deliberately) unpoetic language.
confusing green and red.
Same problem, for me, as with ‘Oumuamua,
not making/feeling any connection to the others.
A boundary
My body holds together: streakedwith cuts unknown, unsaid;
its fluids stream in hot, dark jets;
its tight-drawn borders flex,
as coupled bodies flex with life,
its whites, its blues, and reds.
(possibly 'in' for first 'its' in last line).
The sudden appearance of rhyme seems
odd.
I don't think the verse order is the most effective.
Perhaps consider;
Ashbourne, Jupiter, Rosie Hackett Bridge, Centauri, A boundary.
The line breaks/indentation seem to be more about disguising
the prose than anything else. For me, there's not enough contrast
between the 'dry scientific' sections and the personal ones.
It's like it is written in monotone. That said, the juxtaposition of
the two ideas is interesting, I'm just not sure you've explored it as
fully as you might.
Best, Knot