edit 2 - California Rain Delay

[Knot]

Hey duke,
in my opinion it is an improvement,
the overall flow is much better.
As you'd expect, just one or two suggestions


Cliffside houses—
beauty unendurable, folly uninsurable—
becoming less enamoured of the dashes,
could you not simply use commas? As in
Cliffside houses, such beauty
unendurable, folly uninsurable, ?
lose their footings, stumble,
crash down broken-hipped
perhaps something in a more active voice;
stumbling down, broken-hipped
[to] crash [into] valleys of mist
[where] muscular... ?
(not sure about two hyphenated terms
so close to each other, visually)
while in mist-valleys
muscular brown arms of mud,
great rocks and Volvos clenched in fists,
thrust between, around, punch
through McMansion tragedies.

But at least this deluge
(do you actually need, 'but at least'
and 'and'?)
and its silt-rush oceanward delays
dry times when firebugs emerge
to run berserk with Santa Anna wind,
'berserk' is a 'bit' tell rather than 'show'
spark tinder hills ablaze.
like the 'Santa Anna' detail
(should have mentioned it before).
perhaps;
dry times when firebugs emerge,
to fly on Santa Anna winds,
sparking tinder hills to flames.
(to weaken the delays/ablaze rhyme)


Best, Knot.