edit 2 - California Rain Delay

[Knot]

Hey duke.

Just a stylistic preference, but I'd like
longer sentences, these short ones don't
seems to flow in a way that fits with 'downpour'.
(And perhaps break it up into verses?)


California Rain Delay edit

Rain rinses California.
- I think your missing a line here.
How does it? Heavily, loudly, thoroughly,
washing it clean of, at last...?
Cliffside houses—
beauty unendurable, folly uninsurable—
(still prefer 'unendurable beauty...')
lose footing, surf down broken-hipped.
-Happy to defer to an expert, but is
'lose footing' compatible with 'surfing' ?
Again, I think you could expand on the excellent
'broken-hipped' and paint a much more vivid picture.
(maybe add some sound?)

In mist valleys
muscular brown arms of mud,
great rocks and Volvos clenched in fists,
punch between, around,
- still finding 'punch' a bit weak'
and through McMansion tragedies.
- maybe cut 'and', and add 'through' to
previous line?

But at least this deluge
with its silt-rush oceanward delays
dry times when firebugs return
- 'dry times' is pretty poor when compared
to the rest.
to dance through Santa Anna winds
- still finding 'dance' problematic, perhaps 'run' ?
and spark gray hills ablaze.
- 'grey' is also poor. All the effort put in
to the 'water' descriptions but none for the 'dry'.
- Is the 'delays/ablaze' rhyme intentional?
Because it begs the question, why didn't the rest
of it rhyme.

Again, a personal preference, but it's all a bit too
minimalist for me. Skeleton rather than the whole body.


Best, Knot.