05-13-2018, 11:01 PM
Hi duke,
it's a really nice idea, but...
After the Battle
You might add a verse here,
a bridge between the title and the first verse,
preferably containing the phrase 'Election Day'
(and making some reference to the path in the picture)
Six slim, straight yellow sticks
- if your going for the arrow/martial metaphor
why not 'shafts' instead of 'sticks' ?
stood thrilling in bright greensward
- thrilling doesn't really work, particularly
given S2/L3 which suggests quite a long time.
nearly [a/one] cloth-yard long and none
quite vertical— as if
'cloth yard' (nicely done) could move
to L2, 'none quite vertical' is a poor phrase
and seems only there because of the picture.
[as if] master archers had released
- surely it should be 'master bowmen' ?
their like in volleys over fields,
- 'their like' ruins the metaphor, why not just say 'them'?
- 'in volleys', you start of with 'six' (though could only see five),
barely one volley, let alone more than one.
these few having found no flesh
of horse or man, and so remained.
- this seems very cumbersome, why not just 'target'?
(you seem to have lost sight of the election with these lines)
They seemed to stand
- again, 'they seemed' takes one out of the metaphor'
in pairs, and lacked for feathers
- 'fletching' for 'feathers' ?
perhaps
arrayed in pairs, their fletching of placards
having up to last Election Day
been spanned with advertising
posters for a mayoral or school board
candidate, which boys who stuck them there
have now removed on pain of law.
- this is rather overwritten, especially
'on pain of law', and it doesn't continue
the 'martial' metaphor.
Better wars of votes than roses
or a hundred years, boys planting signs
than planting boys.
The sentiment fits, but the execution doesn't.
The sword/ploughshares arrows/signs switch
seems too sudden.
Hope this helps.
Best, Knot.
it's a really nice idea, but...
After the Battle
You might add a verse here,
a bridge between the title and the first verse,
preferably containing the phrase 'Election Day'
(and making some reference to the path in the picture)
Six slim, straight yellow sticks
- if your going for the arrow/martial metaphor
why not 'shafts' instead of 'sticks' ?
stood thrilling in bright greensward
- thrilling doesn't really work, particularly
given S2/L3 which suggests quite a long time.
nearly [a/one] cloth-yard long and none
quite vertical— as if
'cloth yard' (nicely done) could move
to L2, 'none quite vertical' is a poor phrase
and seems only there because of the picture.
[as if] master archers had released
- surely it should be 'master bowmen' ?
their like in volleys over fields,
- 'their like' ruins the metaphor, why not just say 'them'?
- 'in volleys', you start of with 'six' (though could only see five),
barely one volley, let alone more than one.
these few having found no flesh
of horse or man, and so remained.
- this seems very cumbersome, why not just 'target'?
(you seem to have lost sight of the election with these lines)
They seemed to stand
- again, 'they seemed' takes one out of the metaphor'
in pairs, and lacked for feathers
- 'fletching' for 'feathers' ?
perhaps
arrayed in pairs, their fletching of placards
having up to last Election Day
been spanned with advertising
posters for a mayoral or school board
candidate, which boys who stuck them there
have now removed on pain of law.
- this is rather overwritten, especially
'on pain of law', and it doesn't continue
the 'martial' metaphor.
Better wars of votes than roses
or a hundred years, boys planting signs
than planting boys.
The sentiment fits, but the execution doesn't.
The sword/ploughshares arrows/signs switch
seems too sudden.
Hope this helps.
Best, Knot.