edit 2 - California Rain Delay

[Knot]

Hi duke.

California Rain Delay
not sure about 'delay', I see why it's there
but the title would be stronger without it.

Rain rinses California.
'rinses' really doesn't work,
particularly in the context of 'deluge'
Cliffside houses—
beauty unendurable, folly uninsurable—
would suggest reordering as;
unendurable beauty, uninsurable folly—
lose footing, surf down broken-hipped.
(Did you chicken out on 'foot loose'? )
'footing' should be plural, after 'houses'
like 'broken-hipped' but it reads like a modifier
for something omitted. Would
surf down on broken hips work?
In mist valleys[,] (muscular brown arms - on this line?)
muscular brown arms of mud,
great rocks and Volvos in their fists,
did you mean 'greet'? If so, I'd suggest
swapping it for 'welcome', though neither
really work with 'fists, punch' - unless you
switch 'in their' to 'with their' ?
punch between, around,
and through McMansion tragedies.
nice line
But at least this deluge
and its silt-rush oceanward delay
Slightly awkward line - though the
'silt-rush'/gold-rush play is very nice
- would it work as
In mist valleys, muscular brown arms
of mud greet the ocean-ward silt-rush
of rocks and Volvos with their... ?
dry times when firebugs commence
would suggest 'begin' for 'commence'
their dance of sabotage and vengeance.
don't think 'sabotage and 'vengeance'
work that well, you really need something
that flows out of the firebug/lightening
bug (mating dance) idea.


Enjoyed the read.

Best, Knot.